Glorious Mess

"I have to clean the house for company!"

How many times have you said that? Now think about how often it was mixed with a little anxiety.

This weekend we had some family and friends over so I needed to clean the house.

Isn't it funny how clean house for company takes on a whole new dimension as opposed to just every day cleaning.It was like suddenly I noticed all these details that I never notice any other normal cleaning time. I have a friend whose husband will tell her "why don't you have some friends over." Because he knows that means she will clean the house extra well.You may think that's funny (I do) or you may find it a lil harsh but either way the truth is every day cleaning and cleaning for company are very different!

So if you try and tell me you keep your house the same level of cleanliness when company's not coming as when they are, sorry I won't believe you;)

I'm not saying we shouldn't clean our homes.Obviously we should appreciate what God's blessed us with. But we shouldn't let the cleaning house for company stress us out and take away from the whole reason we're doing it in the first place. Your friends (your true friends) and family aren't going to care if they can see their reflection in your pots or not! They're coming to spend time with you, not inspect every crack and detail of your home....(unless they're weirdos;)

This weekend was great!We just enjoyed quality, fun time with amazing friends and family. All the other stuff didn't really matter. 

It was the people that made the day special not the place they were in.
  
At the end of the day what mattered to me most was just that our home was a place where people could feel comfortable and free to be themselves.
And it reminded me just how good our God is because we can be that way with Him. I love that he doesn't expect us to clean up for company with him. 

We don't have to have every detail of our life ironed out, everything polished up, or even all the dirt swept away. Even the dirt we try to hide under the rug (which I NEVER do;) or the cracks we're worried someone may see in don't need to be cleaned up. It doesn't mean God can't see all our mess,whether you like it or not,  He can. But the amazing thing is He's not worried about it.He's not turned away by it. It actually draws him closer to us! 

We can be ourselves with him. He just wants US!... The dirty, messy,look-like-we-got-hit-by-a-tornado...US. Wow. If we can grasp that, I mean truly grasp that how much more freedom would we experience in our lives? How much more loved by God would we feel?...

To know that the God of the universe, the one who created everything, who created us- doesn't expect polished versions of us. He just wants to spend time with us, be there for us, and genuinely love on us. Just as we are. Not despite our mess but because of it! I'm so thankful God doesn't expect or even want us to clean ourselves up for company with him. He loves us in the midst of all our glorious mess!

 

"Your God is present among you,a strong Warrior there to save you.Happy to have your back, he’ll calm you with his love and delight you with his songs." Zephaniah 3:17

Thankful for the 'Don't Haves'

Giant Bird in the oven, smell of pumpkin and cinnamon, stretchy pants on, and enough food to feed a small army....Yep, Thanksgiving is here.

Let's face it one of the big reasons Americans look forward to Thanksgiving is the food. One of the only days where leftovers throughout the day is a good thing.

But I think sometimes we get so caught up in the food, the preparation, the unavoidable clean up, and all the distractions that come along with holidays we can lose sight of what's really important.

This Thanksgiving feast will be a lot different for me. There are a lot of things I can't eat this time around because of my health stuff. A lot of my favorites since I was a little punkin myself will be off the menu for me.

Am I disappointed? I'd be lieing if I didn't say a little. Pumpkin pie and coffee have been taunting my dreams. But I'm not as disappointed as I thought I'd be.

Last year I didn't have these diet restrictions but I also was a lot further from finding any kind of answer to my sickness. This year I feel closer to finding some relief...to healing. I can choose to be thankful for that or complain about the foods I can't eat.

So this Thanksgiving, as strange as it may sound, I'm thankful for all the things I can't and don't have. Those things just allow me to be even more grateful for all the things I DO have.And when I start to focus on what I do have I realize there is no comparison.

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

It's something I'm trying to live by every day of my life not just on Thanksgiving. No matter what I'm going through, what I face, or how much pain I'm in I can be grateful. 

Is it always easy? Heck to the no. Always worth it? You bet your turkey.

I'm so incredibly thankful for the love in my life.I have people that I love and that love me.I have an amazing family, an incredible, God picked husband, and the best friends in the universe,  


I may not have my health right now but I'll always have the love of my Jesus and what God has done in my life. And that is worth so much more than all the don't haves in the world.

So I challenge you in the midst of the pie eating and football watching today to think about that. No matter the foods that may burn, the things the kids may spill, or the tension that may come from family members, or the ones that refused to come... take a moment, breathe, and see that despite all that may go wrong or all the don't haves there is still something to thank God for today...and every day.

                                                          HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever."Psalm 107:1

Behind the mask

Character chosen,costumes bought or frugally made,candy purchased,pumpkin carved...Ah, Halloween..

For 364 days of the year, we tell children not to talk to strangers. Then on Halloween, we encourage kids to not just go up to strangers but to hold out their hands and ask for candy.A strange holiday for sure.

Let's face it though,it's not just kids that look forward to partaking in this day.

A day where it's accepted, albeit expected for people to dress like someone or something else. It's fun right? For one day we get to put on a costume and carry around a plastic sword (that was me) and people aren't phased by it. It's acceptable to be the person behind the mask.

But the truth is long after the sugar high wears off and the pumpkins turn brown many of us are still wearing masks.The iron man and monkey masks are replaced with invisible masks fastened on by insecurity, doubt, fear, mistakes, and struggles that we try desperately to keep people from seeing.
 
We wouldn't walk up to some stranger and say "Hey I'm really depressed because I feel like I'm failing as a parent.Can I have some candy?"

How embarrassing would it be if people saw those things about us? How scary to think about people actually getting to know the real us.

The us behind the mask.

It can be exhausting,having to maintain a facade of everything-is-going-great and I’m-fine-how-are-? We don't usually want to admit we need help, let alone ask for it. 

We're afraid what people see they might not like. And let's face it, we all want to be liked. The world is starving for acceptance. For love. But where are we looking for it and who are we look for it as? The real us or the facade of who we are trying to be for everyone else?

Sometimes we may attempt to remove the mask, seeking some sort of freedom but as soon as someone judges us or even looks at us funny the mask goes right back on. Or is replaced by a new mask.

I see now even as a Christian at a young age I wore masks. I didn't want people to see my insecurities, my failures, or weaknesses. A christian isn't supposed to show those right? I believed if people saw my faults they wouldn't be drawn to Christ, they'd just think well if she has problems too what's so great about being a christian? Acting like things are okay when they're not.Things were easier that way.

“When you’re afraid to be who you really are, you lose touch with the truth of who you are and act in ways you may later regret,” Dwoskin

My mask brought me what I thought was comfort and security.And yet people couldn't get to know the real me.Even though I was free through Jesus I see now I didn't know true freedom.

True Freedom comes when we take off the masks.When we realize it's okay to not be okay.(Part of why we love REVOLUTION CHURCH so much.)

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10, "That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Only through Jesus can we find true peace in that. God knows what it will take to get us there and it usually means facing something we've never faced to draw us to Him and into a dependence on Him that we never experienced before. Sometimes it's giant things or a bunch of small things He uses to reveal to us the masks we're wearing and then help us get rid of them.

When I first got sick several years ago I was angry,frustrated, and scared but I didn't want to admit the extent of my pain to other people(physically and emotionally). So many times I suffered in silence. Even those closest to me didn't know the extent of my suffering. I didn't want to look like a failure...to myself,to others,even to God.

Isn't it funny though how we so often try to mask our feelings even from God. But the truth is, God knows. He knows our minds and our hearts better than anyone. Even though He can see through our masks He doesn't expect us to get rid of them before we come to Him.Wow.

I think so many times we feel like we have it all together.Especially as Christians. But hurting people don't need to see fixed up people who appear seem like they have a perfect life when they really don't.They need to see what Jesus can do through a hurting,flawed people,because that's what Christians are.All Christians. Screwed up people saved by grace. God's used my pain as an outlet for me to finally be able to be real with Him and through that with other people.

I open up with my family and close friends about my pain and I share my questions and fears with Jesus. I'm so thankful he doesn't want the fixed up, masked, version of me. He just wants me. The same goes for you. Christian or not, He just wants you.You're His beloved because he created you.That's what I love about Him,we can come to him just as you are.Messed up!

What masks are you wearing? It's only when we can be real with ourselves and with God that he can help us remove those masks so we can build authentic relationships and experience true freedom.

It's time to get real. Let people get to know the person behind the mask.

"You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb."Psalm 139: 1-4, 13

By Disappointment Only

   Just like we can be sure that Celine Dion's heart will in fact go on we can bank on the reality that we will all face disappointments at some point in our life.
  
   They're nothing new.We all faced them as a child.  The things that disappoint us might be slightly different but they're still there. Our temper tantrums may have changed some, but let's admit it those are still there too.Big or small nobody likes disappointments.
  
   I realize many of the disappoints we face are from our own bad choices but there are times when things just don't work out the way we hoped or anticipated and we have no idea why.It is in those moments that we realize we have no control. A scary reality to face for most people. But it is also in those moments that God can show us just how in control He really is.

   The question is not will disappoints come our way but how will we react when they do?

   Why God? Can often times be the only two words we can find in our vocabulary when disappointments hit.Maybe it's something w we've waited on him for and prayed our guts out for but then it didn't work out the way we thought, the way we desperately hoped it would. We've all been there. Like a Jackie Chan kick to the gut it feels like the ground has fallen out from under us.

   I realize it's hard not to question God in those moments. Been there, done that.At times still find myself doing that. We look over the situation from every viewpoint wondering what we could have done differently. Thinking if we could just find the reason in the midst of the pain. But nothing sticks out leaving us thinking where's waldo just got real. But it doesn't really matter does it? Because the disappointment is already happening. We're already sprawled out on the floor fists pounding, legs kicking and screaming for our favorite blankie,  so to speak. 

   I hate to be the bearer of bad news but disappointments will continue to happen in our lives. To quote my favorite singer of all time,Frank Sinatra, "That's Life."

   I know what you're thinking, thanks for the encouraging words Amber. Calm down, I'm not finished. We can't always keep the disappointments from coming but we can control how we react when they do.

   Instead of asking "Why God?" We should start asking "What next God?"  His answer will be different with everybody and with every situation but more often than not I bet it'll begin with two simple words:  

Trust me.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:6"

   Disappointments, while painfully hard to deal with sometimes are opportunities for God to act. For Him to reveal Himself to us in a way that we may not have otherwise experienced. In the moment we may not understand, it may not make a lick of sense.We may get angry at God or disappointed with Him. That's okay. He can handle it,I promise. And He won't love you any less because of it! Just be honest with Him. Be Real. He's looking for genuine relationships, not forced formalities. 

   We often think because God didn't answer our prayer how we wanted him to, when we wanted him to that it's just not going to happen.And it is then that our disappointments can cause a domino effect leaving our faith incredibly shaken not stirred.

   It can be the hardest thing when in the midst of the confusing, disappointing heartbreak to say "God I don't understand why but I trust you."


   But I can tell you from experience when you start to respond that way it's amazing how your outlook of what you deemed as disappointments can change. It doesn't always make them easier to endure but it does give you hope.  He may not be saying no, he might just be saying not yet or I have something even better in mind for you.

"I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11

   Over the last few years alone my husband and I have faced a lot of disappointments.Mostly stemming from my health and some I haven't even shared. But it was through each one that God not only made us stronger as a couple but brought us closer individually to Him. And the only way we could have gotten there was by disappointment only.

   God has a plan. Always.Whether we see it, understand it or choose to believe it He is always at work in our lives. He can see every aspect of the blue prints, His timing is Perfect and his will unfailing.  I know it's not easy but Trust him. Just take the word disappointment and change the 'd' to an 'h' and it becomes Hisappointment. One day you'll look back at what you thought were disappointments and realize they were really God's appointments to something better than you could ever have imagined.

Does size matter?

"You just need to have more faith."

I'm sure you've probably heard those words at some point.As if somehow that's the Harry Houdini trick to fixing your situation.

Now I realize depending on where you're at in that moment of your life you can respond one of two ways. 

If you're in a loving, Mister Rogers type place you can simply nod and offer a smile and thank them for their 'encouragement.'

Or...your more cynical side may respond with an extra dose of sarcasm"Oh yeah you're so right! That's what I'm missing, I must have left it at home. Hold on a sec while I go back and get my 'faith bag' and pull out an extra heaping portion." 

Let's face it, when we're going through a trial one of the last things we're in the mood for is for someone to advise us on what we're doing wrong. Especially if it's something we've already recognized ourselves.  

I only say that because I've experienced it...many times, especially with my health stuff. I know their intention is good and their heart is in the right place. Because while I hate to admit it I have also been on the giving end of that advice.I realize while many intentions may come from a positive place, the effect can often illicit a negative connotation.

Like telling someone they need to have more faith for instance. It suggests that grace comes from our own works.That it's up to us. That if we could just have sasquatch size faith then God would answer our prayer or bring us out of that situation. 

If only I had a stronger faith God would heal me. If I just believed more He would think I deserved that job. What am I doing wrong that God's not answering my prayers? Is it my faith? Whatever the situation may be that's simply not the case. 

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, and while it may be so at times we do not earn anything from faith. Faith brings us into a closer relationship with God and gives Him His opportunity to work in and through our lives.

We don't need to earn God's grace or His mercy He simply gives it because He loves us. "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy."Romans 9:15-16

I realize a big part of why I had such a hard time with my health in the beginning was not because I didn't have faith but because my faith was sorely misplaced. With failed doctor after doctor it was definitely frustrating but I believe God was using that to draw my faith to where it should be...completely and wholeheartedly in Him.

You see it's not the size of our faith that matters most to him but the who or what we're choosing to put it in. Having giant faith can be a great thing don't get me wrong but if we're putting it in the wrong things it will leave us coming up empty every time. 

But here's the awesome extra extra read all about it news...even the smallest faith in a giant God will provide us with amazing results!

It's all up to him, all we have to do is trust him enough to let him do it.

I came across the verse "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.And nothing will be impossible for you."Matthew 17:20  And while I've heard that verse a million and one times, it hit me in a different way this time. (as often happens with bible scriptures)

Not being a huge fan of mustard I had no idea the size of a mustard seed was, so like any curious scholar would do, I googled it. Let's just say it's bigger than a grain of sand but smaller than a popcorn seed! That's pretty stinkin small. Just think about that for a moment. It says with faith that small not only can you move a ginormous mountain but NOTHING will be impossible.

It doesn't say if you have faith that small you may be able to move an ant hill and only little things will be possible but big things like your kids, your job, your health, your addictions, well those things..those things will be impossible, sorry. Nosiree, it says N.O.T.H.I.N.G. NOTHING! Wow. God is amazing. Even when our faith is small He can still do great things. We need to remember that. 

So does size matter? It depends on how you're looking at it. I don't know what mountain is standing in front of you right now but if you focus so much on how small or weak your faith is it will only leave you frustrated and discouraged. Stronger faith will come but by God not by us.  He's so much bigger than what you're going through. Even tiny seed-like faith in that truth can make the impossible possible. You're problem will seem so small when you focus on just how HUGE our God is and it's only then that size really matters.

 

Time and time again

God is so good.

I got some good news yesterday and I just had to share it. The doctor I saw recently got back to me with the results of one of the blood tests I had done a few weeks ago.

It showed that I have a bacterial overgrowth in my system that's wreaking havoc throughout my body.Not sure what caused it but it's something for whatever reason has penetrated the intestinal lining of my stomach and entered into my blood stream and tissues producing powerful toxins that have been posing a challenge to my system's detoxification pathways.Damage to the intestinal wall causes leaky gut syndrome where toxins and large food molecules which would normally have no way of getting into the circulating blood are absorbed and create an enormous burden on the immune system that now has to neutralize, destroy and eliminate them. Which may have produced many of the "allergic" and inflammatory symptoms I've been having.I won't list them all let's just say it's like having the flu every day.

I know what you must be thinking. That kind of news hardly elicits even the slightest hints of a happy dance. But to me it does.To me I've got the moves like Jagger all over this place.To some people reading that out of context would only see bad news. And it would be but if you read it in the context of my health history it's very good news.

Some of you know the journey I've been on the last four years. I'll just keep it short by saying 4 years, over 10 doctors/specialists, countless tests, several treatments, and no answers to the source of my pain and sickness. People (neurologist) telling you you're crazy and to just give up because they can't figure it out. Many of them didn't look at or treat me as a person but as just a case. One they weren't willing to put the effort in to solve.The dependency I had on doctors was crushed and that was a good thing!

Sure I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, immune system issues, and digestive issues but nobody seemed to care about finding the source or a way to treat it without putting me on a bunch of drugs they weren't even sure would help. I guess these doctors aren't used to fighters.My parents didn't raise me to just give up or to settle but without Jesus in my life there were so many times I probably would've done just that. I guess most doctors aren't used to people turning down their 'prescriptions to mask the symptoms'. 

Let's just say I've masked the symptoms in my life for too long. 

That's easy to do when your comfortable. Just mask the things in our lives we need to change. We all have them.We're not perfect. Whether we want to admit it or not and most of the time when we're comfortable in our lives we don't.Why knowingly put ourselves out there with the possibility of getting hurt? Why make things harder on yourself when they don't have to be?Comfort zone. But if we never step out of our comfort zone, we never change. And in the words of Pastor Zak, "If you ain't changing,you ain't growing!" It's so true!  So when we don't make the choice to do it ourselves God loves us enough to give us a little push.

This sickness was my 'little push' and while it felt more like a hulk smash it is doing exactly what I needed. God has used the pain, the unanswered questions, the fear, the brokenness,to bring me closer to Him in a way I may never have experienced otherwise. He's allowed it to open my eyes, to refine my character, and to renew my mind. It's still a work in progress and will continue to be but now I welcome it!I want to change! His purpose is to make us like Christ. If we never endure suffering we can never be made into the image of the man who went through the greatest suffering of all for us.God knows what we need to grow. Time and Time again.

  
"He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son." Romans 8:28-29

I've finally been able to have a peace.That in and of itself is an answered prayer. I'm not up every night crying,scared with every new symptom that it's something like cancer or MS (which they thought it might be and I was convinced it was). Even though I still don't know the cause, I'm not afraid. The strange thing is the pain hasn't changed but the way I looked at it did. Only God could do that. I proved my weakness time and time again while God proved his strength. He taught me to rely on Him. He showed me in the midst of my painful,changing circumstances that He remains steadfast.


"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."2 Corinthians 12:9

His unfailing grace.Time and Time again.

So after 4 years of praying for healing thinking he didn't hear me, he heard me. While I was waiting for him to heal my body he was healing my character. And even though I couldn't see it at the time that is something far more important. Because that is the only thing that will last. He wants to work on our character before he blesses us, before we ready for the things we pray for. To seek Him before anything else. 

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.Matthew 6:33

So suffice it to say this is why I'm excited about this news.It's finally an answer and possible cause to some of this pain and crazy symptoms! It's proof that amazing things happen when you just let go and let God. He provided me with direction.Time and Time Again.

The next month I'll be continuing my detox diet and will be on a prescription to help kill off the bacteria, I'll also be taking liver support among other supplements to help my body fight through it. They said I may get new or worsened symptoms but this time I'm actually prepared for them. Because I know no matter what comes my way God is able, God is bigger. His timing is perfect. He knows what He's doing and I know I can trust Him because he's proved it to me time and time again. 

I am so thankful for all the prayers and support I've gotten and continue to get. I wish I had the words to tell you how much it means to me. It's crazy that the same day I received this news is the same day the bible verse for Jeremy and I's study was "He answered their prayers, because they trusted in him." 1 Chronicles 5:20. Time and Time again.

Elimination Diet: Could always be worse

Well...Despite the headaches, muscle/joint pain, crazy fatigue, on fire burning skin (out of control lately), and brain fog... I had an AWESOME weekend in Austin with our amazing, HIlarious friends and their two incredible,beautiful  kids.

Reminding me once again of the fact that THINGS COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE.

I wasn't sure how this new diet would play out being away from home for 2 days. Not just because Austin has soooo many amazing restaurants with ridiculously awesome food but because not a lot of places have a lot of options for a diet like this. But we actually ended up finding some fulfilling things to eat. 

Did the giant moist looking,delicious smelling pancakes sound better than a salad?...I'll let you take a guess on that one. But wonder of all wonders we didn't die.It actually wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be.As hard as it's been in the past.

At the beginning of this illness and for a long time my eyes were so focused on how bad the trial was and what I didn't have that it was easy to lose sight of the good that I did have. On the fact that even the hardest, most challenging things going on in my life could always be worse...way worse.

Do I have my health? No....not yet. Am I in pain every day? Yep.But some days aren't as bad as others. Walking around the streets of Austin reminded me while it may cause me pain after awhile, at least I can walk. At least I can open my eyes and see the sights around me when some don't even get that privilege. 

It could always be worse.

Okay so there are certain things I can't eat right now, but there are still a lot of things I can. So many times we're just eating for pleasure when there are so many out there striving to eat just for survival.A privilege we've lost sight of in America.

It could always be worse.

Only God's grace allows me to see that.And I have to rely on it constantly.It's not me.

Choosing to focus on the good in life will change the way you see the bad.It's so much more than the glass half full mentality. It's God centered thinking and it will change your life. It's one of the best gifts God has given me through this. If you can't change something you can change the way you look at it, right? It's that peace that passes all understanding (Philipians 4:7) that the bible talks about. That no one, not even yourself, can understand why in the midst of a trial, in the midst of pain and suffering you can have peace.That can only come from God.

Am I going through a trial in my life right now? Obviously. Am I alone? Nope. Some days harder than others. I won't deny that. I won't pretend not to still struggle with it, I do. That's the amazing thing about God's peace though. It's not just a one time thing. It's a gift that keeps on giving because we keep on needing it.
 
To an onlooker your situation might not seem as bad as somebody else's. Don't worry about that.A trial is always relevant to the person experiencing it.  God understands your trial in a way no one else can. How you are looking at it is what matters.

God told us, "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philipians 4:8

Being optimistic doesn’t mean that we have to be out of touch with reality. It means that even though we know the dire state of what we are going through we can make a decision to be positive in the midst of it. 

To remember things could always be worse.

I know my life could. I know my life is in all actuality an incredibly blessed one.

I have an incredible family who I couldn't imagine my life without, an amazing husband who is so much more than just a best friend, I have an incredible group of genuine friends who I love to pieces,the list could go on and on. 

But most importantly I have a God who loves me no matter what, I have Jesus who set me free and gives me hope.

If nothing else 'good' ever happened in my life I could still be happy, I could still be grateful just knowing that.

“I may not be where I need to be (or may like to be) but I thank God I am not where I used to be.”-Joyce Meyer