Breaking my addiction...

Okay, so I admit I've slacked in the consistency that's expected in a blogger.I told myself I'm going to be better about posting more frequently.I always have so many ideas and things I want to write about swarming around in this big ole head.It's my passion to write, my release. My way of encouraging others like I love to do.

So today I sat down to write some of the things I've had on my heart and....NOTHING...zip...nada....all those ideas lost somewhere in translation...aka...Writer's block.

(scratches head) Oooook God? I admitted to you I've been slacking in using a gift I feel you've given me and then when I go to do something about it, I'm stumped.Why?

 "I want you to do it my way, not yours." 

Ever heard that from God? Like ice cold water to your bare back. You try talking yourself out of the feeling that was God talking to you but you know...oh man do you know. That moment where you know whatever is about to happen is going to be worth it but cringe at the thought of the pain you know it's going to bring.

So let me be REAL because that's what I promised myself I'd be with my writing. This is not at all what I planned on writing. In fact I had what felt like a tug of war conversation with God and myself about writing it. I quickly found myself transported to younger years of foot stomping and "But I don't wannas." 
Disclaimer: (that will be a whole other blog later)

So with a crinkled nose and somewhat hesitant fingers I'll admit something to you....

I am a recovering people-pleaser.

I know, I know but it's true. I've been addicted to making people happy. I'm not sure how long I've been addicted but it's been awhile my friends. First step is admitting it right? Funny how that seems so simple but that is often the hardest thing for us to do: ADMIT. Well I did that a few years ago and ever since then it's God been working on the railroad of my thought process. Trying to hammer away what needs to go and drill in what needs to stay.

I know what you may be thinking, being a “People-Pleaser” doesn't sound bad.   I mean, isn’t it great to try to make everyone happy and be happy with you instead of angry or hurt? Nobody likes a Mr.Sniffles right? Even the Bible says we are supposed to live in peace as far as it depends on us.

Don't get me wrong, the desire to be liked is not in and of itself wrong or inappropriate.  I think God wired us to love and want to be loved. That desire is in all of us whether some want to admit it or not.

The problem is when that desire takes over, becomes most important and keeps us from experiencing true freedom in who God created us to be. It's not even about being liked anymore, it's about not letting people down. Building it up in your head that if you don't act a certain way or do things a certain way, they'll be disappointed. And when you're constantly trying to keep people happy because you're worried about disappointing someone then there is no Freedom in that.

All of a sudden it becomes god in your life, because you are allowing the opinion of others to matter more than God’s opinion. What they think of you matters more than what God thinks of you.It happens, it happened to me.When it carries over into feeling like you're disappointing God then it's about time to cut the people pleasing umbilical cord.

Take it from someone who painfully knows firsthand,  it's not an overnight, thank you come again, Fix. God's been working on it in me for awhile now.

Can I share a shocking (insert sarcasm) revelation with you that I've learned in my life?

You are always going to disappoint people. Hate to tell you but it's inevitable.

Some how, some way you'll let someone down.You'll make a decision they don't agree with, say something they don't like, sometimes you wont even know what the heck you even did but somebody will be so pissed at you for it.And sometimes you'll spend so much time stressing or overthinking about what you convince yourself they want from you only to realize they weren't even thinking that! People pleasers have to stop thinking we even have the ability to please everybody .No one does.And it puts too much pressure on ourselves to be something God never intended us to be. Only HE can know a person mind and heart completely and FULLY satisfy it.

Trust me, mind reading would not be my super power of choice anyway.(flying if you're wondering.

But you know what is important to remember, the more YOU love your life, the less you need other people to love it. That's not an excuse to throw the coined phrase "I do what I want" around and say forget everybody else. It's to say I'm going to seek who I am in GOD and do what I feel is right between HIM and ME not ME and everyone else. God First. And if people don't like it, that's on them.

The tattoo on my arm says "BELOVED" with a sparrow flying away.I got it to remind myself that I'm free to be who GOD created me to be not who the world wants me to be because at the end of the day I only have to please one person and that's God, my creator.Who calls me his beloved child. No matter my choices, mistakes, disappointments or things about me that others may not like or agree with, HE still loves me the same. And let's be real at the end of my life, HE is the only one I have to answer to.

God is breaking my addiction of trying to please everyone. It isn't easy but I know the freedom I'll find through it, the freedom I've already found. I've learned more about myself and become who I really am more in the last couple years than I have my whole life. I am so grateful for that. Think about the people you've let down or will in the future, forgive yourself even if they don't, let go and give it to God. You are FREE. Your value is in HIM alone.

"Do you think I speak this strongly in order to manipulate crowds? Or curry favor with God? Or get popular applause? If my goal was popularity, I wouldn’t bother being Christ’s slave." Galatians 1:10

facebook

What if Facebook didn't have a like button?

Would it still be as popular? Would we use it as much? Post things as much?

 The desire to be liked is not inappropriate, it think it's human nature but when that desire keeps us from having freedom


Ok I have to start with confession. I am a recovering people pleaser.

 Being a “People-Pleaser” SOUNDS like a virtue, right?    I mean, isn’t it great to try to make everyone be happy with you and not have people angry at you?  The Bible says we are supposed to live in peace as far as it depends on us, after all

In life you only have to please one person.And that is GOD,your creator. Something God has been working on me since who knows when.

All of a sudden it becomes god in your life, because you are allowing the opinion of others to matters more than God’s opinion. What they think of you matters more than what God thinks of you.





Paul is not saying that he does not care how he is perceived. What Paul is saying is that he cannot let public opinion keep him from following the path laid out for him by his Master, Jesus Christ.

 While the desire to be liked may not be inappropriate, if that desire keeps me from doing what is right, it then becomes an improper desire. As a recovering man-pleaser this can be a struggle for me.


While the drive to be liked, followed or otherwise connected on social media is morally neutral, if it keeps me from being obedient to God, then it is an idol that requires smashing. The same is true of setting up other measures of “man-pleasing” such as church attendance, sermon downloads, etc.

Jesus Didn't Die for You...

 If you've ever heard people say it's not a religion, it's a relationship. This is why. It's so much more than rules and restrictions. We have overcomplicated Christianity. No wonder people are turned off by it no wonder it's viewed as bondage. We've turned it into something it was never meant to be.

So let me start by this sharing this shocking truth:

Jesus died for ALL people but he didn't die for ALL things.

Jesus didn't die for you to have to live your life in defeat. Why are you constantly feeling broken and beating yourself up for every bad decision you have made or will ever make? When EVERY single thing you do or don't do past, present, or future is already wiped clean by the King. In him you will never be a failure.In him you are a victor not a victim. You are more than a conqueror. He takes the failure so you can have the freedom.
"So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through." John 8:36

Jesus didn't die for you to judge or let yourself be judged by other people. Your position doesn't make you better. Your choices don't make you holier. Your way of living doesn't make you know it all. And no one is better than you because of any of those things. Christians have got to stop with the better than attitude. Everything we are, everything we have is by God's grace alone. Don't ever let anyone, I don't care who they are, make you feel inferior or that you're not enough.
"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17


Jesus didn't die for you to have to feel trapped or in bondage. Stop letting yourself or others hold you back from a life of  fulfillment in God. Stop settling for what you think you deserve.Or what others made you feel like you deserve.You were made for so much more than all of this.
"My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." John 10:10b

Jesus didn't die for you to have to live in fear.You know those trials you face? Those things that come at you? They try to knock you off your feet, knock the wind out of you. You don't know how to escape them, how you are going to get through them.Get up. Don't be afraid. Jesus already took care of them for you! He already has the answer. He already has the escape.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”John 16:33

Jesus didn't die for you to have to need others to validate you or decide your worth. You're worth is in Him. We are all flawed. Seeking our approval from others will always leave us disappointed. People will come and go in your life that think they know you, think they have a right to decide your value.They don't. You are free from that. God knows your heart. HE is the one you will stand before at the end of your life. At the end of the day HIS is the only approval that really matters. And through Jesus you already have it. 
"People look at the outside, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Jesus didn't die for you to have to be perfect. We put so much pressure on ourselves sometimes to be perfect in every area of our lives. Either for other people or for ourselves because we think if we don't we're failing or letting someone down. Stop it. You will never be perfect. Jesus knew that, it's why he made the sacrifice he did. You don't have to measure up. You hear me? Jesus already did, he already does. We do our best. We seek him and learn and grow. But while we're growing we need to let go of the idea that we're disappointing everyone and remember we are HUMAN. Jesus is and always will be the only perfect person.
God is working on you. Making you new. Rest in knowing He is and will use ALL things for your good and His Glory.
"So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace." 2 Corinthians 4:16


Jesus didn't die for you never to make mistakes. Can I tell you something that is very hard to grasp, what many Christians struggle with and make other people feel like it's not true but it is, ready? IT IS OKAY TO MESS UP. It's okay to be weak.It's okay to struggle and make wrong choices. It's not an excuse to do it, it's freedom to know God still loves you the same when you do. His grace still covers you. He will still use you. Stop beating yourself up. Stop it. Jesus knew the decisions you'd make, the screw ups and flaws you'd have. He had them on his mind when he died on that cross. Not so you would spend the rest of your life feeling guilty but because he knew he would be enough. God's grace is enough.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Jesus didn't die for you to hide your failures and live in shame. It doesn't depend on US, it depends on HIM. You ARE free to be you. Free to be REAL. The jacked up, this is me, flaws and all YOU. You need freedom in that. The world needs to see that. As ashamed as we are to show that sometimes. People need to see it's okay not to be okay. Christianity is not about putting on a cleaned up charade for people, it's about being ourselves and pointing to Jesus through it all. Saying I MESS UP but Jesus has me covered. Come as you are. It's what Jesus told us, it's what we need to portray to others.People need to see God's grace at work not just have it preached at them.
 "Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:13


Jesus didn't die so you would have to DO to earn grace or mercy. If you do this and then this...then presto...God is happy. He'll give you Grace. No! Jesus has already DONE and grace is already yours. His last words on the cross were IT IS FINISHED. And He meant it. 
"Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish!" Ephesians 2:8


Blood dripping down his body, sweat on his brow, pain coursing through his veins while people laughed at him. As he hung on the cross, rusty nails pierced through him, the son of God, all the power to come down, to stop the pain, to end the torture. But he didn't, why? Because he had YOU on his mind. YOU specifically. Not a broad spectrum of people... YOU. Before you were even on this earth.He loved YOU. He knew YOU. Knew what you'd look like, your personality, knew the mistakes you'd make, the imperfections you'd have. He knew because the sin of the world that you'd be separated from God. That you couldn't be perfect. So he Chose to make a sacrifice....himself....so that you could be connected with God for all of eternity.A free gift that all we have to do is believe in. It's freedom. It's redemption. It's forgiveness. It's excitement and joy despite hardships. It's peace that doesn't make sense. It's true,everlasting LOVE.

It's not about Guilt. Jesus took the overwhelming guilt, so we could have the endless grace. If you have Jesus, when God looks at you he says "I love you unconditionally and the verdict is, NOT GUILTY."

I didn't know if I'd make it to this BIRTHDAY.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different…”   –C.S. Lewis

When I first saw this quote I thought to myself  "Self...what in the freaking heck does that mean?"   Very philosophical, I know.Dont hate.But the more I thought about it the more it hit home. 

Yesterday was my 29th Birthday. Yup 29. Crazy how different it is to actually say your age out loud. But in reality it is just a number. I'm not sad about getting older or even scared. I'm actually excited. Weird I know because isn't it true that when we're younger we can't wait to grow up and when we're older we wish we were younger? The irony is not lost on me. But this year I want to be content with the age I'm at. Because you see the truth is I wasn't sure if I'd make it to this birthday...

I guess in a way we all are unsure if we'll make it to our next birthday because none of us know how long we'll live for. But let's face it, we don't really think about that, do we? Especially when we're younger. Nobody wants to think about how long they may or may not have left. Now before you stop reading because you think this is some morbid depressing end of the world blog, just humor me and keep reading because this girl is about to get REAL.

Some of you know my story with my health, some don't. I'll keep it short for now. About 5 years ago I started getting sick. Autoimmune they say....so many unanswered questions I still have.

There have been times where it felt like I was having a heart attack, times my stomach has been so bloated it looked like I was 5 months pregnant, I had pain so bad on the side of my head that they had to do a brain MRI to make sure it wasn't a tumor. I had to go get my eyes checked because for months my sight was blurry even though my vision was normal. I had to have a muscle test where they jam needles in your muscles (RUde) because I was having weakness. I've had numbness in my hands and feet, tingling in my extremities, burning so bad under my skin it feels like a really bad sunburn on my entire body.Yup, those are just a few of the"interesting" symptoms. That has been my life over the past 4 years or so. Doctor after doctor, test after test always uncertain about what they'd find, never knowing if it was as life threatening as it felt.

New symptoms arise constantly. From stomach stuff to nerve stuff you name it.....keeps my life interesting, that's for sure. I guess it's my fault for liking random and spontaneous (not quite what I had in mind God) Those of you who have experienced or know someone with autoimmune know how unpredictable it can be. It makes it hard to make plans because you have no way of knowing when a "bad day" will come. And the "normal days" feel pretty much like all your muscles contracting and won't relax and you have an unending case of the flu, mix that in with what they call "brain fog" and you're a friggin walking mess. Looking normal on the outside...feeling like you got hit by a semi driven by the hulk on the inside.

I say that not to get sympathy or pity, not at all. I know how much worse it could be. I say it 1) because I used to be hesitant to share but now I realize it's part of my story and 2) to show just how amazing my God is.

 I'M STILL HERE.  People ask me all the time how I can smile when I'm in so much pain every day.All I can say is JESUS.All JESUS. The truth is, it hasn't always been that way. I spent a lot of time being bitter and angry, depressed and hurt. I had a lot of days questioning why and saying "I wish this didn't happen!"

God has worked on me in ways I can't even begin to explain in one blog. Little by little day by day. A work in progress...still...always.

I definitely still have days where I struggle with my joy, my faith is tested and I get upset with God but this birthday I realized something, it's the first year where I have no desire to say "I wish this didn't happen to me." That in and of itself is HUGE. God has changed my heart and my outlook.

He has made me stronger as a person, made me even more compassionate towards others, changed my focus about what's truly important and most importantly brought me closer to Him. Without this I don't know if I'd be where I am. I have a whole new appreciation for life.Before I could only talk about God, now I know him. I've felt his hope on the days I wanted to give up, I've felt his power when I've cried out in desperate prayer, I've seen His grace on my worst days, and I've felt his unconditional love through the people he's brought into my life. He's always been there. Even when I don't understand, He is there. Working, for the bigger picture, the greater plan.

My pain has turned my second hand knowledge of who I thought God is into first hand experience of who I know He is.

So that is why this birthday means so much more and in this moment I will smile. I will choose to trust him even when it's not easy. This is the only moment I know I have for sure.I can't go back and change the hurt but in this moment and every moment God blesses me with after this I can choose how I let it affect me.

I used to feel like this happened to me but now I feel like it happened for me. I know my God uses all things for my good. Even the tough stuff. I may not like it or always understand it, it may be painful but I trust God to use it to work for me and not let the enemy use it to work against me.

I don't know what your struggle is today, maybe it's finances, maybe someone hurt you, maybe you feel unworthy or just don't understand why you're going through the situation you're going through and can't seem to catch a break. Can I tell you something I know for a fact, GOD IS THERE. He is working, maybe not the way you want right now but the way he knows is best. It may not feel like things are changing, you may see no way out... but they are changing and there is a way out. It's temporary.It's temporary.It's temporary.What God is doing through it will be permanent.You see God knew this was coming, He had the solution before you had the problem. Keep pressing into him, keep pushing forward, I promise you, IT WILL BE WORTH IT!

THANKS FOR READING!