We're having A baby!

Ok now before I start getting Congratulations or angry phone calls from people who think I didn't tell them the news before I shared it with the world of Facebook (you know who you are)...

 let me clarify: I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Before you feel cheated or give me evil eyes through your computer screen I'd appreciate if you'd give me a few moments of your time to hear me out.

We are having a baby....someday.

It's a hope I hold onto, daily.

Have you ever said the words "I can't wait"? I'm almost positive if you're human, you have at some point in your life. Whether it's something big or small we all have things we long for. The desires of our heart. The things we are so excited about having in our hands that we have a hard time waiting for it.

I confess having a baby has been my "can't wait" for awhile now. I've always loved children but the day I fell in love with Jeremy I knew that bringing a child of my own into this world with him one day would be one of the greatest blessings in my life... I just never knew how difficult that blessing would be to obtain.

My illness came on a few months after we got married. With all the doctor visits, expenses, and unanswered questions with my health we decided to wait before we started to try and have children. We also wanted to travel some, so we did. It helped me get my mind off of this sickness that had come out of no where. Puerto Rico, California, Chicago, Hawaii. We have been so blessed! It's been an amazing adventure from the day we said "I do." But still one of the greatest desires of my heart was to experience what I believe would be one of the greatest adventures of all...having a child.

So we decided that we were going to trust God with answers and our finances and have a baby. Just like that right? Wrong. We were quickly reminded that our timeline doesn't always line up with God's.Our plans aren't always His.

For the last almost 3 years my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. It has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. There have been so many times that the symptoms of my illness have mimicked pregnancy symptoms and when you're praying for that very thing it's crazy how excited you get over some nausea and sore breasts! But then with that came disappointment...again and again.

There have been lots of prayers, several negative pregnancy tests, and countless tears. There have been so many times I've questioned God, I've felt anger,confusion, hurt, heartache and every other emotion imaginable on this journey.

There have been times were I just look at Jeremy and he knows. He knows what's on my heart. He knows how much I long to hold a little Roth in my arms with daddy's blue eyes staring up at me. Mom. My heart desires to be one.

You see the thing I've learned about the "Can't Waits" is that you actually "Can wait" and not because you don't have a choice but because it is worth it. There is so much to gain in the waiting.

Patience is not always an easy quality to exhibit. In fact I think it's one of the hardest. Especially in today's world where everything is so easily accessible for us. Waiting for something you hope for can be challenging to say the least. Especially good things, things you don't always understand why God would be withholding from you.

But what I've been learning over the past several years is that I don't believe God's withholding answered prayers from us, I think we just haven't seen the answer...Yet. I think he is right there waiting with us. Desiring for us to turn to him, to lean into his strength to strengthen us while we wait. For the right timing. For the perfect moment.

There is no doubt that the unanswered prayer for healing for my chronic pain has made me a stronger person and brought me closer to God. And there is no doubt that our unanswered prayer for a child has brought Jeremy and I so much closer as a couple. Waiting builds character, it strengthens faith, and brings hope...if you let it. As much as I want a baby, I have to want God more. I look at the last few years and see that despite the trials we've faced God has also blessed us beyond measure. The things and people he has brought into our lives fill my heart in the places where the things we don't have are missing.

If there is one thing God keeps putting on my heart it's that He knows what He's doing. He is ALWAYS at work. Even if we can't see it. Even when it doesn't make sense to us.  He sees the bigger picture. All of it. He can handle our disappointment and discouragement. He knows he has something better in store.  He knows what is best for us.  We may not always understand why things happen the way they do while they're happening but one day we will. One day we will see what He was doing and realize that all the waiting was worth it. I believe that, I have to. That's what hope is. Believing in something when everything in the world is telling you not to. I'm so thankful Jesus gives me that hope.

I think when God looks at me He already sees a mother because in my heart I believe he already has our precious baby ready for us. Our beautiful baby. He sees us waking up in the middle of the night to a crying child and trying to remind ourselves what a blessing he or she is. He sees me looking down and smiling at the face of a baby, a baby I questioned so many times would ever come. It's not always easy to wait but in my heart I know it will be worth it. So I will praise God while I wait because HE is worth it and I have so much to be grateful for. I don't know what it is you are waiting for from God but don't lose heart, He WILL come through for you, in His perfect timing, and it will be better than you ever imagined.

So yes we ARE having a baby...someday...when the timing is just right.

The Christmas Proposal.

If you know me at all you know this truth about me: I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

I love everything about it and I have since I was a little kid. I think part of it is because all the traditions I remember from growing up. My parents always made the season of Christmas so fun and special. Not because of the presents they bought us but because of the memories we made.That's what I remember and cherish most. Making a mess decorating Christmas cookies, watching "All I want for Christmas", staying up late Christmas Eve, waking up crazy early to the smell of bacon, and one of my most favorite traditions of all...going to the Christmas tree farm to chop down our Christmas tree. I LOVE it. As crazy as it sounds, the Christmas tree farm has always been one of my favorite places on earth. My happy place. It became even more so 6 years ago when it became the setting of a life changing event.

6 years ago today Jeremy proposed to me at the Christmas tree farm and made me that happiest woman on earth but lets go back to the beginning...

I remember it was 2005, I was living on ramon noodles and mac and cheese (which are typical staple foods for a college student) and with the holidays approaching my roommate/friend at the time and I were desperately in need of a new job. We knew places would be hiring for holiday help. So living in San Marcos we knew the best place to find a job fast was the outlet mall. Now I have to make a confession that may surprise some of you: I am not a shopper, therefore I do not enjoy the mall. I had never worked in retail nor did I have any desire to. Let's just say sales is not my forte. I was okay with that, I had accepted that. But sometimes God has other plans doesn't he? He's funny that way.

I needed a job. We applied at several places we thought it'd be "fun" to work at....or more so nice to get a discount at. The last place we decided to apply was simply because it was on our way out and we thought "why not?"  Nautica. Some of you may have heard of it, most of you probably not. I had no desire to work there but went through the motions of filling out the application. I turned it in with no expectation of getting a call....and I was okay with that.

Out of all the places we applied Nautica called me in for an interview. Me but not my roommate. Weird. To be honest I wasn't overjoyed at the time, I almost didn't go for the interview but like I said I  needed a job and would take what I would get. So I thought I'd give it a shot.

I went in one evening and it was a group interview since they were in need of a lot of help for the holidays. I met Jeremy that evening. He was one of the managers. I remember his smile first and then his big blue eyes. I thought he was cute but I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I was looking for a job. I had just come out of an almost 4 year relationship with my high school boyfriend that ended pretty crappy, with a lot of hurt. I really had no interest in starting another one.

But Jeremy definitely stood out to me for sure. I remember him making everyone laugh, the way he made all of us feel at ease. It was weird because he knew exactly what to say to make me laugh and calm my nerves...not many people could do that. Little did I know he'd be doing that the rest of my life.

I left that night uncertain if I would get the job and then they called me a couple days later. "You're hired." I had no idea how those two little words, words I had mixed feelings about hearing, would open the door to change my life forever.

Jeremy and I became friends right away. I was always happy when he and I worked the same shift because he always made it fun...bearable. He could always make me laugh and to this day it's one of the things I love most about him.

We started hanging out and it didn't take long for us to become the best of friends. I remember the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend I said "No." (He still gives me a hard time about that)

I was scared. Scared of getting hurt. I had been on a few dates here and there recently but nothing too serious. I never wanted to be a big dater. I had one serious boyfriend in my life, all through high school and at the beginning of college. I was in love. Or at least I thought I was. Funny how we think we know how something feels until the real thing comes along and we realize we had no clue.

I had this idea of what I wanted in a guy. "The Perfect Man."  And the next relationship was going to be the one that lasted. I wasn't looking for it at the time. And I definitely didn't expect it to come in a guy eight years older than me who was a manager at the place I worked. Jeremy never gave up though.

He wore me down.;)

Our first date I was crazy sick. Snotty nosed, puffy eyed MESS...not the most attractive to say the least. I was more than okay with rescheduling the date. Well, he showed up at my apartment with medicine and juice and my favorite show. We just sat there on the couch watching TV as I continually blew my nose and tried to hold onto some shred of dignity. He took care of me. Didn't complain. Somehow made me feel comfortable and beautiful. Which is hard to do when you feel like you look like an inflated version of Rudolph the red nose reindeer. It was then I knew he was different.

He met my family. Got along great with my sister. Ate my mom's tomatoes at dinner even though he hates tomatoes (and most other vegetables) and hit it off with my dad. I knew. I knew he was the one and that scared the crud out of me!

Jeremy Roth, with his sweet demeanor and goofy personality. I quickly learned he would give me a run for my money. More stubborn than me, if you can imagine. We butted heads a lot. I had never met someone that wanted to get to know me...the REAL me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, so I tried to push him away. Any way I could. But once again Jeremy didn't give up...stubborn Turd.

 I had never been good with talking about my feelings. Still struggle with it at times. And no one really cared enough to get them out of me. I can't blame them though I become a pro wall builder. Nobody was getting in there...until Jeremy Roth. He pushed, he challenged, he was not okay with just the surface Amber. He was always telling me he knew there was more to me and he wanted to see it. He used to frustrate the heck out of me... still does at times;)

 I had become content with keeping my emotions bottled up. But he wasn't okay with that. He wanted me to talk about them. Really? Ummm I was not okay with that. Yeah, I'm pretty much the guy in the relationship when it comes to dealing with feelings. Jeremy always cared enough to want me to be me. All of me. I never knew how much I needed that. I tell him all the time that He is everything I never knew I needed. Sounds cheesy but it's true. God knew what he was doing for sure. No one has ever loved me like Jeremy.

December 11, 2007. We went to the Christmas Tree Farm to help my parents pick out their tree. We drove separate from my family. When we got their, they weren't there...or so I thought. Jeremy said we should walk down a little ways to look at some of the trees. I thought it was kind of strange we weren't waiting for my family but didn't think too much of it. Walking hand in hand all of a sudden He said, "What about this one?" I turned and saw on one of the trees pictures of he and I hanging all over it. In front of the tree was a sheet with rose peddles scattered all over it. I remember saying something along the lines of "What the heck?" Typical Amber. Lost in the moment, I turned and saw Jeremy getting down on one knee. It was such a surreal moment I swear I still didn't know what was happening. He pulled out the beautiful ring and took my hand. I honestly don't remember all the words he said, but I remember the look on his face while he looked at me. LOVE. Real Love. The only way I know how to describe it. In that moment by the tears in his eyes (not common for him) I knew he loved me with a love that would last forever.

Needless to say I said "YES." I remember hugging him tighter than I ever had and crying...yes crying....you see if you know me really well you know deep down I'm a hopeless romantic. My family came out from behind another tree where my sis had been taking pictures. "Couldn't have done it without them" Jeremy said.

We took home that tree our pictures were on and to this day have a piece of the trunk. My favorite Christmas tradition had become my favorite life changing memory. And now every year we go back to that same tree farm and chop down our Christmas tree. I got the best gift that Christmas. I got the husband God had chosen specifically for me. The man who had and continues to change my life every single day. I don't remember much of what he said that evening but I remember him promising to love me and he has with an unconditionally love through my struggles with my health, through my flaws, through my good days and bad. He has been there. He shows me how to be strong. How to face things head on. He is always Encouraging me, making me smile when I don't want to, and helping me to see and believe in the real me.

December 11, 2007 It was the perfect evening, at the perfect place, with the perfect man God had for me. The beginning of the rest of my life, with the love of my life.

I'm not Keeping CHRIST in Christmas...

Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. Always has been, always will be. Because it's more than about one day out of the year, it's a season. The Christmas season has always been a time when we could have hope in the feeling of joy and peace among everyone.

It's part of why I look forward to thanksgiving every year because I know we're that much closer to peppermint everything and singing Christmas carols off key. Down comes the giant box of Christmas decorations, off to the Christmas tree farm to chop down our tree, random lights decorate the neighborhoods, Christmas music starts playing way too soon for some peoples taste and I love it! 

The smells, the sounds, the cheesy movies...I love it ALL. Even that creepy little Elf on the shelf that people do strange things with...ok maybe not that.

But more than all the lights and eggnog (mmm eggnog), what I love most about this time of year is the JOY it brings. The smile it puts on the faces of people young and old celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. All because of one word...CHRISTMAS. 

And yet somewhere along the way that very word has brought so much controversy.

I'm not really sure when it started happening but I'm amazed by the media and businesses concern about offending people by having them hear or read the word "Christmas". 

I remember my first personal experience was when I worked at the outlet mall in college. Our boss was very adamant about us saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" when we answered the phones. "We don't want to offend anyone" she said. So I did what any self respecting student employee who needed the money would do...I smiled and nodded and when the phone rang I picked it up and said "MERRY CHRISTMAS, how can I help you?" It was one of those moments when my stubborn sarcastic nature was for a good cause.For you Jesus;)

I'm a christian. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, if that offends you than so be it. I won't shove it down your throat but I'm not going to hide it either. The way I see it Jesus Christ faced the shame, the ridicule, the judgement, and punishment that should have been mine when he sacrificed himself for my sins on that cross. He had my back then, and he has ever since. Whether you believe in that or not, I do and therefore I will choose to live for Him.

I understand if people don't wish to say "Merry Christmas." They have free will and the right to their beliefs. However, I know some Christians are outraged by society's attempt to take Christ out of Christmas. How can people be offended by someone like Jesus?"

But maybe it's not an offense to Jesus Christ at all, maybe it's an offense to Christians. As a christian I realize there are a lot of people that don't agree with my beliefs. I understand that. I don't judge or condemn people that don't feel the same way I do. I can even understand why people are so against Christianity. Maybe a lot of that is not because of Christ but because of Christians. 

Maybe we as Christians are the ones that started taking Christ out of Christmas long before society did.

When we started caring more about what we want than what other people need.
When we started thinking we had the right or authority to judge other people just because they're not like us.
When we started taking, taking, taking, no matter what the cost to others.
When we started thinking calling out people's flaws was "doing them a favor."
When we hurt instead of heal, take instead of give, have pride and arrogance instead of humbleness.
When we started making people feel that they weren't "good enough" for our grace....for God's grace.

Yeah that's on us Christians. That's on me. So no, I'm not keeping Christ in Christmas....not the way I should be anyway. Saying Merry Christmas out loud to people, hanging signs in our yard or writing it on cards doesn't make it true if we're not living out the very meaning of it in our lives.

Maybe instead of trying to force people to believe in Jesus we should live our lives in a way that accurately reflects who he is. If people saw who Christ really was I believe they'd want him not only in Christmas but in their lives and isn't that what we should care most about anyway? He didn't have to force people to follow him they wanted to simply because the way he lived his life.

Maybe for those of us that truly believe Jesus is the reason for the season should honor him most by pointing to him the best way possible. How we love and treat others.

Instead of focusing all our attention on keeping Christ in Christmas maybe we should focus on keeping Christ in Christian. (I'm talking to myself here). I'm far from perfect, I mess up A LOT (no amens here please and thank you) but the biggest desire of my heart is to portray Jesus to others. The REAL Jesus.

Let's face it people need belief and hope in something all year around not just during Christmas time. And there is no greater hope than Jesus Christ. At least not in my book. That's why I want to keep Christ not just in Christmas but in everything. That's why no matter what is deemed "socially acceptable" I do and will choose Christ. I will say Merry Christmas. Not because I'm trying to offend others but because I don't want to offend Christ.  Because He is more than a story I believe of a boy that was born in a manger...he is my savior, my hope in life. He brings me peace in chaos and hope when there is every reason in the world telling me not to have any. At the end of my life, JESUS is the one I'll stand before.

I want my actions to speak louder than my words in my life. That's what Jesus was about right? Not just talking the talk but walking the walk. That's what Christmas represents. The hope of a savior. The life of Jesus, in it's entirety...not a baby in a manger. He came to save not to judge. He wasn't picky about who he helped, he didn't turn his back on the ones that didn't believe in him, he didn't even hate the ones that mocked him...even the ones that beat him and hung him on a cross! He loved in the face of hurt, healed in the face of pain, and brought hope to a hopeless world. HE is joy and so we should be too. That's what Christmas is about. That's what people need to see most. Hope and true love. Maybe by keeping Christ in our lives first, others will want to keep him in Christmas. Merry Christmas all.

 

God ain't Santa...

I'm not really sure at what age I stopped believing in Santa. At least that he is who he says he is. A jolly fat man that spends all year in his workshop of elves and somehow flies around to every house in the world in one night. We all want something to believe in don't we, even as crazy as it may seem. That Magical fairy tale.

The irony of Santa is not lost on me. As responsible adults we spend all year trying to instill in our kids a valuable lesson: Don't talk to strangers. And yet this time of year we not only encourage them to talk to a stranger in a red suit, we urge them to climb up in his lap and tell him their deepest desires so that we can get a picture. And by golly we're getting that picture even if they're screaming bloody murder. {disclaimer:those pics are my favorite}. Kind of a weird concept if you think about it. And yet it's a tradition many participate in every December. I know we did when I was little and quite honestly I'm sure I'll be that mom one day telling my kid to "tug on his beard to see of its real."

Santa is a nice guy. Jolly even. But nobody wants to talk about the judgmental side of Santa though do they? Unless it's to coral a kid's crazy behavior.{been there, seen parents in the store do that....I probably would too} It's the naughty or nice mentality. Santa's watching you. Elf on a shelf has nothin on old Saint Nick. If you're nice and do good things then you'll get stuff....if you're naughty, you get nothing, nada mi amigo. You choose. Ouch Santa. Really? That's a little harsh.What happened to the jolly old man?

I'm not writing this blog in some opinionated rant to get you to ban Santa from your household. Not that you'd listen. I like Santa. I do. I'm here to plead with you...can we stop treating God like he's Santa?

Religion has made him that. If your "good", God will bless you. If you do and say what's right then he'll give you what you ask for. If you're a " good person" then God is happy with you and you deserve the best from Him.

It's no wonder people are so turned off by 'religion'. Christianity Especially gives the impression you have to do more or be better for God to accept you...to make his "nice" list.

The truth is God owes us nothing, but yet gives us everything. Even when you're "bad" he chooses to bless you. Why? Because he ain't Santa folks. Never has been. His goodness isn't based on our behavior. Can I get an AMEN? But how often do we feel that we have to earn God's goodness. Because of what others say or have said or just our own skewed way of thinking we constantly beat ourselves up for not being "perfect" enough, mistakenly convinced God is doing the same. He hasn't answered my prayer...I must be doing something wrong. Been there, thought that. Religion makes it about law not relationship. Religion makes it about OUR failing works, instead of HIS unfailing grace. The greatest tragic fairy tale.

God doesn't say, "Well I was going to send you this peace you've been praying for but I just saw you lose patience with your kids so I'm just going to put it back in my bag." He is waiting for the right timing to answer your prayer, not the right behavior from you.

The truth is God wants to bless us because HE is good not because WE are good. It's one of the things that's hardest for me to grasp about his character and one of the things I love the most. We don't have to earn his gifts, he simply gives them out of the love he has for us.

God doesn't withhold his gifts from us when you mess up. He's not making a list and checking it twice before he can bless us...if he was we'd all end up with coal from heaven. Thankfully, God ain't Santa.

Pumpkin pie doesn't love me...

Thanksgiving food.

Those two words make your mouth water don't they? If not there's something wrong with you. Just saying.

I love Thanksgiving, I always have. I remember that day would come and I'd wake up to the glorious smells coming from the kitchen.You know the ones. I couldn't wait to pig out with my family and fall asleep on the couch. What thanksgiving is about right? Year after year I became so comfortable in that. Looking forward to that constancy. Knowing it would always be there, the same thing, just the way I loved it...every November.That special meal...That one you can have any day of the year but something about having it just on Thanksgiving day makes it more special, more amazingly delicious.

All things change though don't they? At least in some way.Thanksgivings have changed some over the last few years in our family. Extended families, coming and going, living in different states.

It also changed since I started to get sick a few years ago. There's certain foods I can't enjoy anymore, not the way I used to anyway.The pumpkin pie, the cheesy broccoli, the melt in your mouth yeast rolls... My three favorite things since I was a little butterball myself. The things I never thought twice about shoveling into my mouth I now cant enjoy the same way anymore. Without having a reaction to anyway. Stomach pains, muscle flareups, burning skin, just a few of the strange symptoms I get from eating certain foods. I never realized how much I took food for granted.

I have to admit the first year was hard, really hard knowing those foods I looked forward to and had become so accustomed to eating I wouldn't be able to anymore. My mom pulled out all the stops to make as close to everything as possible and it was amazing don't get me wrong, my mindset wasn't right though.There was still disappointment because that often happens with change doesn't it?

This year I'm actually thankful to be sick for Thanksgiving. No I haven't lost my mind....well not all the way. I'm thankful because it's the swift kick in the thanksgiving stretchy pants that I needed. It shifts my focus back to what's really important. It's not the food. Shocker I know. I'm not saying enjoying the food is a bad thing, it's not. But it shouldn't be the main focus.

Being sick actually makes me stop and think about the things I do have instead of what I don't. Crazy how that works. So this Thanksgiving I can't have regular pumpkin pie or broccoli so covered in cheese it makes it not healthy anymore. At least I can eat. At least I have food. So many people are so less fortunate than that.

And it reminds me the REAL reason why I love Thanksgiving, why I realize I've always loved Thanksgiving. Despite what may be different about the day, one thing has remained the same.  It's not because of what I'm eating but because the people I get to share it with.

I love everything about the day. I love seeing my mom in the kitchen selflessly cooking like she always has since the day I couldn't see over the counter. I love seeing my dad running around cracking jokes and trying to help but still stay out of my mom's way. I love seeing my beautiful sisters and their sweet husbands because no matter what distance separates us or how old we get it's like no time has passed.

I love looking over at my husband who said he'd be fine to have "Just one more roll" but is now passed out on my parents couch in a bread coma. Yes, I sure did call you out Jeremy Roth.

I love my family. We may look at things differently sometimes or had our disagreements over the years but I have never lacked love from them. I have that this Thanksgiving and I've had that every Thanksgiving before this. No matter what things change, that never does. I need to appreciate the people in my life more, not just on Thanksgiving but every day. Anything I don't or can't have doesn't compare to everything I do have. A love that never fades. God's love. His unconditional love shown through the people in my life. Let's face it, as much as I LOVE me some Pumpkin pie it's never loved me back.

Why Beauty Sucks

Beauty Sucks...

     We've all heard the statement Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.Something someone sees as beautiful someone else may see as not.

What is Beauty anyway? Real Beauty?

     We all have at least that one thing...that thing our eyes narrow in on when we stand in front of the mirror.That thing we wish we could change or try to cover up, convincing ourselves we'd be more beautiful, more desirable if we did. But by whose standards? Usually our own based on what society has drilled into our brains is "Beautiful". The magazines,commercials, billboards all portray ideas of what beauty is. If you wear this...you'll be beautiful. If you have this... then you'll be beautiful. If you look like this...you're beautiful....Trust me, as a photographer I know just what photo shop can do for a person...     

     
    
    Even at a young age girls are already striving to 'look prettier'. Desperately wanting approval and thinking they have to change who they are to be beautiful, to be accepted. Society and the media play on our insecurities. THAT is why Beauty sucks. Society's definition of Beauty. It sucks the life out of us, using all our energy and resources to reach the standards society has set for Beauty. But are they really to blame?

    We are so often our own worst critics aren't we? We look at ourselves so critically seeing ourselves one way and thinking others see the same. You know what I've learned is that most of the time the way we think people see us isn't at all how they do. The people that matter anyway. And at the end of the day how others see us isn't nearly as important as how we see ourselves.There are people in my life who I look at and I'm just amazed by.I see nothing but incredible beauty when I look at them and yet I know there are insecurities they deal with all the time.Things that make them see themselves as anything but the beautiful treasure they are.It breaks my heart because what they see as flaws to be fixed I see as beauty to be cherished. How can they possibly see themselves as anything but Beautiful? And then I think how often I've done the same thing to myself, Time and time again.

    Insecurities are a tricky thing. Sometimes we joke about them, try to deny them, or just try to hide them. We think our imperfections already stick out like a sore thumb so the last thing we want is to draw attention to them. We look at others thinking if I only had that body, that hair, that face I'd be happy...Id feel beautiful. All the while having no idea what insecurities that person faces themselves. Because lets face it, we all have them. I can promise you even the most confident woman has something about herself she struggles with. Comparison will steal our joy and our confidence every time. We so often base our worth on what we perceive to be true. Spending so much time focusing on our flaws that we miss embracing the things that make us one of a kind. 

     I think about the way God sees us. How he made us each so uniquely different with nothing but BEAUTY in mind. Knowing exactly how we'd look, right now, in this moment. He loves every single thing about us. Especially that thing you despise. You see, the truth is GOD DOESN'T MAKE JUNK. He doesn't mess up. He didn't make a mistake when he made your ears stick out a little more or your toes a little longer than every one else's.(me;) That makes you, YOU. No one else like you in the entire world. You're imperfections aren't something to be despised, they're things to be embraced. They make you rare, they make you Unique....and so Beautiful.

     Let's be real though, sadly there will always be people who try to bring you down. Most of the time to make themselves feel better. Often times hurt people want to hurt other people. So that person you come across that wants to point out your flaws is probably just facing insecurities of their own. Just smile and shake them off. You're fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator of the universe.You ARE Beautiful. Women need so desperately to hear and believe that, especially today. In a world where it's so important for us to set an example for the younger generations. To not just tell them but show them that they're beautiful just how they are.That there are people out there that will see them as a beauty to be cherished and they're worth waiting for. We all want to feel beautiful.So let's let go and focus on the things we do like rather than the things we don't.Let's try to see ourselves the way God does and help others to do the same.

It's time to embrace our imperfections...

Life is not a Snapshot

"He has made everything beautiful in His time.

He also set eternity 

in the human heart; 

yet no one can fathom what God has done 

from beginning to end." 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

I love being a photographer. Having the opportunity to capture moments in people's lives that will never happen again is such a rewarding privilege.

Our life is made up of it's own snapshots, some we long to cherish and some we cant wait to fade away. Moments both good and bad weave there way in out out of our lives on a daily basis.

We try desperately to hold on to the good, those moments that make us smile and bring us joy. Craving the snapshots that make us see our life as a Beautiful experience.

Then there are those moments that shake up our world causing our vision to blur and our beautiful outlook on life to become a distorted mess. It's easy to do in a world that's constantly throwing curve balls our way. Financial struggles, sickness, emotional hurt, daily demands in our jobs or relationships.

It's all a part of life, isn't it? But without the bad moments we wouldn't be able to truly appreciate the good moments. We wouldn't know what beauty was.


Every choice,every experience may lead us to where we are going but they don't define who we are.

The only thing that matters to God is who he is creating us to be. I love that about him! If we love him we can trust he's using all things in our lives,the beautiful and not so beautiful snapshots, to work together for our future good. He sees the potential of who we CAN be not who we used to be. 

Just because we may have a bad day, an off week, disappoint other people, make bad choices, or react poorly to things at times doesn't mean God is upset with us. Our mistakes are not our identity. Maybe in other people's eyes but not in God's. Through his amazing grace His view of us doesn't change in those bad moments.That's what our savior Jesus did for us.

One of my favorite songs says: "Life is not a snapshot,it might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture...Because the pain that you've been feeling, it cant compare to the joy that's coming."

If we are in Christ all God sees when he looks at us is Beauty because only he can see the big picture.And he'll reveal it to us in his perfect time. In his eyes our life is more like a filmstrip than a snapshot. The things we face do not define us nor do we have to stay stuck in the rough spots or hold onto the ugly snapshots. Trust God with the good and bad moments. You are his beloved and nothing that happens day to day will make him see you any other way.

Prayer Starter: Dear God, I lay all the moments in my life at your feet, the good and bad. I trust that you are using them to mold me into the person you know I can be.In the challenging moments help me rest in knowing you're in control and only you can see the big picture.Help me to appreciate both the good and bad and find the beauty in every day.Thank you for this life.

Shrunken God

Have you ever tired to fit something in a place it didn't belong?

Let me tell you growing up as someone with hoarder-ish tendencies and a lack of and just right distaste for anything organization related....I was a shover....

I'd shove stuff here and shove stuff there, rarely in the right place, hoping that my attempt at "cleaning" my room would be sufficient.

When I look back now I think how much time I would have saved if I hadn't wasted the energy trying to fit things in places where they didn't belong.Especially since I couldn't find them later.I know mom, I know, You....were...riiiight.

How often do we do the same thing with God? How many times do we lose sight of how HUGE God is and try to shove Him in a box he was never meant to go in!Why are we so determined to serve a shrunken God?

Our human nature can be so logical sometimes can't it?We look at a situation and if we can't rationalize it or see any logical explanation or way out we think there isn't one and start to doubt. Doubt then leads to worry which leads us to fear causing us to live a life God never intended us to live!

We shrink God down to the point we can fit him in our neat little comfortable box.God has no restrictions in Himself but we give him restrictions within us.Which often leaves us stuck in the same circumstances,with the same struggles and fears but hey at least we're in control right?...or so we think.Why are we so often content with a mediocre life?

We dont think about the fact that by doing that we limit an unlimited God. We are putting restrictions on what we believe he can and can not do in our lives.

The bible says He is "able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think."Eph  3:20

I cant comprehend that verse and thats exactly why I love it!I don't know about you but I'd rather have a God I can't fully understand.A God that I can't shove into a box because he's just too dang HUGE for that. NOTHING is impossible for him, NOTHING is too Big.No restrictions,no limits.

It's not what we face in life that holds us back or keeps us from victory it's how we view God in the midst of facing it!Stop wasting your time and energy trying figure things out and put them in place, chances are you're wrong anyway! You don't have to have it all figured out because God already does, that's why it's called faith. He'll reveal to you exactly what you need and when you need it.

"Be still and know that I am God" such a simple verse but one that can have such great impact if we can learn to rest in it regardless of what we are going through.

There are no limits to what God can do. No limits to his power.There are no limits to his saving grace.So stop focusing on how big your trial is and start trusting how much Bigger God is!


Prayer starter: Dear God, I may not understand what I'm going through, it may look impossible or endless and I may be exhausted and ready to give up at times but help me know that you are so much greater than what I'm facing. Help me to focus my mind and my heart on just how powerful you are instead of on how big my circumstances appear to be.Nothing is impossible for you.

Behind the Scenes

"Wait for the Lord;

    be strong, and let your heart take courage;

    wait for the Lord"

psalm 27:14

Wait. That word alone evokes all kinds of unwanted feelings doesn't it? We don't like to wait. For anything. We want what we want and we want it NOW. Waiting requires the one thing that makes our face twist into a very unattractive cringe... Patience.

We went to eat the other night for my aunt's birthday. Now there's a strange fact about me. Most people probably don't do this but I like to look in the kitchen of a restaurant. I'm not saying I sneak in there like some food creeper I just mean if it's one you can see into the kitchen from where you're sitting, I always look.

It's not because I'm worried about them spitting in my food (not really) it's because I like to see behind the scenes.

When I look around at the people carrying on their conversations I realize they have no idea how hard the people in the kitchen are working to prepare their food just right for them. Some of them get anxious, annoyed, or even rude waiting for their food.I'm sure you've never done that;)

How often do we do the same thing with God? We pray for something and have faith it will come but then when it doesn't come right when we hope or expect we start to lose patience. We start doubting it's ever going to come. We start getting anxious and frustrated wondering what's taking so long.

It's so easy to forget that we can't see the whole picture.We think we have it all figured out how we think it should go.We are so hungry for what we're craving that we feel nothing but disappointment when it doesn't come. It often feels like God isn't "doing his job"...at least not the way we'd like. Like somehow he's there to serve us.Wrong.

The truth is God is always working. HIS way.For HIS Glory. He doesn't take a break. He's not purposely trying to hold something from you to be mean, he knows how much it means...better than even you do.

He's making things happen for you. Even when you can't see it, even when you don't feel it, even when it's not evident. He's working on your prayers. because we know he has a much bigger and better plan than we could ever imagine. Don't give up.

One thing I have learned is that God works on you while you wait. He's building your faith, strengthening your character, developing your perseverance.Those are things that last a lifetime.

I don't know what it is you've been praying for. Maybe a loved one, a financial situation, healing. In our family it's been health and a baby. I can't tell you how many times Jeremy and I both have been heart broken when it hasn't happened how we hoped. But if we say we trust God that means trusting his timing. As hard as that can be.

Only he can see the Big picture.He knows what's best and we can have faith that even though we can't see it he's working behind the scenes.He's getting everything just right, making sure no components are missing and in the right time He'll answer and it will be better than you ever hoped for!



Prayer Starter: God I feel like I've exhausted myself praying for the same thing for so long now. Help give me rest and peace knowing you're working behind the scenes even when I can't see it. I might not understand what you're doing but help me to trust in your timing.No matter how long it's been I know nothing is impossible for you.

God's skilled to handle the skillets.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. 

In this world you will have trouble. 

But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Life sure can be unexpected and painful sometimes can't it?

The other morning I was getting some stuff done around the house and it was going good...until I was putting dishes away.We have a hanging rack in our kitchen that the pots and pans hang from.

On my tippy toes I reached to hook one of the skillets. It looked like it was hooked so I looked away, it felt like it was on good so I let go....Can you guess what happened next? Yep.

Skillet came shooting straight down making direct contact with the top of my dome.

Unexpected? YES. Painful? Absofrigginlutely.

I had no choice but to fall to me knees. I grabbed my head and tried to keep myself from face planting straight into the tile.

All I kept picturing was the cartoons where the character gets hit in the head with a skillet and their eyes bug out and a huge knot rockets up from their noggin. I was convinced I'd look over at the skillet and see an Amber's head sized indention in it.

A painful experience I could have done without but isn't that just life?

We can be going along just fine and then BAM... skillet to the skull! Maybe a loved one gets sick, you get an unexpected bill in the mail, a friend hurts you, you receive bad news from the doctor.The list goes on.

The truth is painful situations are going to come just like this verse says.It doesn't say 'you may have trouble' or 'there's a very good chance you'll have trouble.' Nope, it says 'you WILL have trouble.'

Jesus knew how hard this world would be. He knew the pain, the struggles,the temptations, the heartache.He experienced it all.

Knowing trials are coming may not make them any easier to handle when they get here. We're still human, we still react on emotions.But the thing is, we don't have to handle them!

The peace Jesus is referring to in this verse is the peace that He wants us to have in him and him alone not in circumstances that can change. And the reason we can have that peace no matter what happens is because everything we face or could ever face he has already overcome on the cross!

That sickness, He already overcame. That financial struggle, He already overcame. That diagnosis your loved one just got, He already overcame. That hurtful relationship, He already overcame. That fear, He already overcame. That worry, He already overcame. That past hurt, He already overcame. That future struggle, He already overcame!

Don't you see? What Jesus did on the cross covered it ALL. Not some, ALL. Jesus isn't thrown off by the unexpected and painful things that come our way. He hurts with us but he's not worried about it because he's already taken care of it. That's why he says we can have peace. He's got it. All of it. Let Him handle it.He's way more capable anyway.

Whatever painful situation you are in or that may come your way know it's already covered by grace. FREELY given grace.

So when life hurts, just hit your knees and trust that God is skilled to handle the skillets!

Prayer Starter: God I'm hurting. I never saw this coming. It's painful and scary. I don't know how to handle it so help me give it over to you. Help me to focus on the power of the cross instead of my circumstances.Remind me that Jesus overcame anything I am and will ever face and give me peace in that. Thank you for sending your son to die on a cross for me so that I could have hope in a hurting world.

One of THOSE days...

"God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
    his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God.
    He’s all I’ve got left."

Lamentations 3:23 (MSG)

You ever have one of those days?

You stub your toe.You wash your phone in the washing machine.You search for your car keys for an hour only to realize they mysteriously ended up behind the eggs in the fridge.Your car battery dies.You get a bill in the mail.You step in dog poop. Some thief steals your parking spot.

I'm sure if you have kids you can add about 50 million and one things to that list.

Days where your emotions run so rampant that you literally cry over spilled milk.

You feel like God must have skipped over you when He was handing out mercy portions that morning.

All you keep thinking is "I can't wait for this day to be over!"

It's one thing after another, like a domino effect. And not the kind that's cool to watch either.

And by the end of it you're surprised you survived. That the pets survived.That your children survived.

I hate to break it to you but "bad days" like that are going to continue to happen. That's life. We can't really change that. We can however change the way we look at them.

A bad day doesn't mean a bad life. God has enough mercy to cover anything that happens.Yes, ANYTHING. You may be beating yourself up for the way you handled a situation or two that day but LET IT GO.

So you kicked the cat, it's still alive right? Besides it's a cat, it probably deserved it.I'm kidding....sort of.

You can't change the fact that unfortunate stuff happened or the way you may have handled it but you can learn from it and move on to a new day.More often than not you'll look back and realize the "bad" stuff wasn't really that "bad". And the mercy you thought was missing was there all along, keeping things from being even worse.

God's love and mercy doesn't run out when our energy and patience does. I LOVE that about Him!You can rest in the fact that God will have new, fresh mercy for you in the morning and every morning after that.  Not because we deserve it but because He's faithful. The circumstances that may happen throughout the day don't change that, no matter how "bad" they seem!

Prayer Starter: God I know frustrating things are going to happen in life. Help me start my morning focusing on your faithfulness and mercy. Keep me mindful throughout the day of who you are and your ability to handle whatever comes my way. I know I'll screw up but help me remember your mercy isn't based on my actions but on your unfailing love.Thank you for new days and fresh starts.

Banking on a Sure thing!

"Depend on God and keep at it because

 in the Lord God you have a sure thing." 

Isaiah 26:3 (MSG)

What are you depending on?

Seems like a simple enough question right. If you believe in God the "expected" response would most likely be "well on God of course." But if there's one thing we know as adults it's that sometimes saying something and wanting to believe it doesn't always make it easy to act out.

Before my health problems started I thought I had a strong enough faith. That's easy to do when everything's going well though, isn't it? To say you trust God and know He's in control of your life.

Then as soon as something bad or unexpected happens, we get bad news, or pain comes, the faith we thought we had is shaken to the point that we're not even sure we can stand. And it makes you wonder what were you really depending on.

The amazing thing about faith though is that it's a continual process. The bible says faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.(Luke 17:6) That when we're faithless he's faithful.(2 Timothy 2:13)That He is refining us through testing it.(2 Timothy 2:8)

I've felt unending pain for a long time now.I used to not want to talk about it but I've realized it's part of my story and a huge part of my faith God's giving me. It's not always easy and there are days I still question why but it's through those situations that God tests and develops our faith.

At the beginning I used to have anxiety about every test the doctor did and let me tell you I've been through my fair share of pokes, prods,scans, and stealing of my blood. (scavengers)

But when I went to the doctor yesterday to get my results from my sonogram I wasn't in the least bit worried about what could happen.That right there is a GOD thing for sure. Not by my own strength but completely by His strength through me, I wasn't scared. And thank God they didn't find any masses!:)

To be dependent on who God is instead of what may or may not happen in a situation is what truly gives us peace.

If we're depending on our circumstances, our feelings, or even the people around us for our hope and happiness we'll always be disappointed. Those things are a huge part of our life but they aren't flawless and they aren't mean to sustain us.

There aren't a lot of sure things in this world but God is.Always.You can take that to the bank of your choice!

He doesn't change. He is always in control, always stronger, always bigger, and always has a plan to use everything we face for our good. He wants us to depend fully on Him because He knows when that happens it won't matter what news we get or what happens because we'll be banking on a sure thing...Him.


Prayer Starter: God I admit it's hard to always depend on you, especially when tough circumstances come my way.Help me to know that you are a sure thing. That even when I don't understand I can always trust you completely because you don't change even when things around me do. I may not have huge faith but what I do have I put in you. Give me your strength and help me depend on who you are instead of what I'm going through.

Embrace the discipline!

"My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline,
    but don’t be crushed by it either.
It’s the child he loves that he disciplines;
    the child he embraces, he also corrects."

Hebrews 12:10

I think as adults sometimes we forget that we aren't excused from needing to be taught. That even as wives, mothers, career women, grown adults there are still things that we need to learn. 

It's easy to get mad or frustrated with God when we're facing something difficult. We forget that life is growing and learning and God is the ultimate teacher.

Whatever you're going through may feel like punishment but it's not, it's training. 

I'm not a parent but I would think it'd be pretty irresponsible to leave a child to fend for themselves.You wouldn't tell your two year old,  "Mom and dad are going to leave you to figure out how to do everything on your own.There's food in the fridge.Peace out,See ya in two weeks!" Right? Why would we want God to do that to us? 

I tell you when I was young I didn't understand a lot of the discipline from my parents.Not that i got in trouble a lot....;) But now that I'm older I have so much more respect for it and for them.

Good parents discipline their children out of love, even when it isn't easy. They do what they think is best.We are God's children and He loves us more than we can imagine. He is doing what he knows is best for us, even when it's painful. He knows spoiling us won't teach us. It may feel good for awhile to have it all, for things to be easy but later on when trials hit we'll wonder why He didn't train us to handle them.

He wants to mold us into the best possible version of ourselves so we can bring Him the most glory. So we can reach our fullest potential. 

Discipline isn't always fun, but it is necessary. He has such a bigger purpose in mind than we can fathom.You might not understand why you're having to face the trouble you are but one day you'll see it will pay off, BIG time.

It’s the well-trained who become mature in their relationship with God and strong enough to face anything that may come their way. Be encouraged in knowing if you face hardships you're among good company of the most influential and faith-filled people in the bible. So embrace the discipline big or small and know even if you don't understand it, God is using it for an incredible purpose!

Prayer Starter: God I may not understand what you're doing or why at this time in my life but I know you have a plan. Help me embrace what I'm going through and trust you. Even when it's painful, even when I want to give up I believe you're strength will help me persevere.I can't do it alone though. I feel weak and beat down but I know in my weakness is when you are your strongest. Help me keep my eyes focused on you and help me remember that I am your child and all you do is out of unfailing love for me.

Let go, press forward, and Enjoy!

"Beloved,I do not consider that
I have made it my own;
but this one thing I do:
forgetting what lies behind
and straining forward to what lies ahead"
Philippians 3:13-14 (NRSV)

"Ouch!" Life sure is painful sometimes, isn't it?

Yesterday I warmed up some soup in the microwave that my mom had sent home with me.Yes my mom is awesome, I know.

Well in my state of hunger I didn't do the first cardinal rule of microwave use...Eager to taste the deliciousness that is my mom's cooking I didn't check to see how hot the soup was before I put a whole steaming spoonful in my mouth. BIG mistake according to my scorched tongue.

"I wish I could change it." Was only one of the many thoughts that popped in my head in the midst of my childlike "ouchie" dance.

How often have we said that in our lives? Whether because of the consequences we face or the guilt we feel, we replay our screw ups over and over. All it does is exhaust us while we waste so much time and energy trying to reenact what we'd have done differently.

The truth of the matter is we can't change what happened.All we can do is learn from it.

God's grace is AMAZING. It's undeserved favor regardless of the circumstances! We don't lose it when we screw up, big or small! Take a minute and think about that...While we're beating ourselves up, God is saying "let it go, I have something bigger and better to show you!"

This verse is from Paul, a man who at one point in his life would torture and sometimes execute Christians! Yet God used him as one of the most influential people in the bible!

The fact is,as humans we'll always make mistakes.But it's through those mess ups that God is preparing us for something better.As hard as it can be to wait God has a big plan for each of us and just like my soup we have to be at the right temperature to be ready to enjoy it completely.

So, that thing you're holding onto that you wish you could change, let it go so you can press forward and enjoy the amazing thing God will replace it with!

Prayer Starter: God, I pray that I will let go of the past, all the hurts and mistakes. I know I can't do it without your help. I can't change it but help me to learn from it and move on stronger and better than ever. Help me to push forward trusting that you're working in my life even when I can't see it and that you are using my past and present circumstances for my good. Thank you for your grace and for not giving up on me even when I give up on myself. My future is in your hands and I'm ready to see what you have for me.  

Gettin' with it!

So awhile back I had several people tell me "you should start a blog." And being an avid lover of writing since I could form letters, I jumped at the chance and started this one. I love it! But I have to admit I've become somewhat of a slacker with it. Reasons are not important what is important is that I'm baaaaack!:)

But this time I'm going to do things a little differently. I've realized more and more how crazy busy people's lives are and while I've enjoyed writing the blogs I've already written I have to admit they've been a tad...shall we say...Long.Just a little. And I realized 'aint nobody got time for that!' I think it's because once I sit down to write if I don't have one area of focus there's no stopping me.My fingers get a mind of their own!

So awhile back I had a few ladies tell me I'm good with words and should start a bible verse devotional. Now while I was so crazy humbled and appreciative of that in all honestly I didn't really think anyone would really read it. So I didn't really give it another thought.

Well I've been praying a lot lately about a lot of things and one thing is how God wants me to use the things I'm passionate about.  Writing is a BIG one! And I realized it's not up to me to worry about who will read it or even if people will read it. It is up to me to be take the first step with what I feel he's gifted me with.

God blessed me with a compassionate heart since I can remember. I just love people and I can't help it! I love encouraging people and I love writing so who am I to say what God can or can't do with that? I'm just a tool, well you know what I mean...;) It's up to Him if and how he uses my writing. So starting tomorrow keep an eye out for my first devotional! I can't wait to see what God will show me through it and if he uses it to encourage even one person than all the better!

All I do know is life is short and there's too much hardship and pressure in the world today to not encourage others any way we can!I'm in a trial at this time in my life with my health so what better time to encourage than through that.And what better thing for encouragement than the B.I.B.L.E.?With God's help our problems can have purpose. So I'm gettin' with it!