We're having A baby!

Ok now before I start getting Congratulations or angry phone calls from people who think I didn't tell them the news before I shared it with the world of Facebook (you know who you are)...

 let me clarify: I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Before you feel cheated or give me evil eyes through your computer screen I'd appreciate if you'd give me a few moments of your time to hear me out.

We are having a baby....someday.

It's a hope I hold onto, daily.

Have you ever said the words "I can't wait"? I'm almost positive if you're human, you have at some point in your life. Whether it's something big or small we all have things we long for. The desires of our heart. The things we are so excited about having in our hands that we have a hard time waiting for it.

I confess having a baby has been my "can't wait" for awhile now. I've always loved children but the day I fell in love with Jeremy I knew that bringing a child of my own into this world with him one day would be one of the greatest blessings in my life... I just never knew how difficult that blessing would be to obtain.

My illness came on a few months after we got married. With all the doctor visits, expenses, and unanswered questions with my health we decided to wait before we started to try and have children. We also wanted to travel some, so we did. It helped me get my mind off of this sickness that had come out of no where. Puerto Rico, California, Chicago, Hawaii. We have been so blessed! It's been an amazing adventure from the day we said "I do." But still one of the greatest desires of my heart was to experience what I believe would be one of the greatest adventures of all...having a child.

So we decided that we were going to trust God with answers and our finances and have a baby. Just like that right? Wrong. We were quickly reminded that our timeline doesn't always line up with God's.Our plans aren't always His.

For the last almost 3 years my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. It has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. There have been so many times that the symptoms of my illness have mimicked pregnancy symptoms and when you're praying for that very thing it's crazy how excited you get over some nausea and sore breasts! But then with that came disappointment...again and again.

There have been lots of prayers, several negative pregnancy tests, and countless tears. There have been so many times I've questioned God, I've felt anger,confusion, hurt, heartache and every other emotion imaginable on this journey.

There have been times were I just look at Jeremy and he knows. He knows what's on my heart. He knows how much I long to hold a little Roth in my arms with daddy's blue eyes staring up at me. Mom. My heart desires to be one.

You see the thing I've learned about the "Can't Waits" is that you actually "Can wait" and not because you don't have a choice but because it is worth it. There is so much to gain in the waiting.

Patience is not always an easy quality to exhibit. In fact I think it's one of the hardest. Especially in today's world where everything is so easily accessible for us. Waiting for something you hope for can be challenging to say the least. Especially good things, things you don't always understand why God would be withholding from you.

But what I've been learning over the past several years is that I don't believe God's withholding answered prayers from us, I think we just haven't seen the answer...Yet. I think he is right there waiting with us. Desiring for us to turn to him, to lean into his strength to strengthen us while we wait. For the right timing. For the perfect moment.

There is no doubt that the unanswered prayer for healing for my chronic pain has made me a stronger person and brought me closer to God. And there is no doubt that our unanswered prayer for a child has brought Jeremy and I so much closer as a couple. Waiting builds character, it strengthens faith, and brings hope...if you let it. As much as I want a baby, I have to want God more. I look at the last few years and see that despite the trials we've faced God has also blessed us beyond measure. The things and people he has brought into our lives fill my heart in the places where the things we don't have are missing.

If there is one thing God keeps putting on my heart it's that He knows what He's doing. He is ALWAYS at work. Even if we can't see it. Even when it doesn't make sense to us.  He sees the bigger picture. All of it. He can handle our disappointment and discouragement. He knows he has something better in store.  He knows what is best for us.  We may not always understand why things happen the way they do while they're happening but one day we will. One day we will see what He was doing and realize that all the waiting was worth it. I believe that, I have to. That's what hope is. Believing in something when everything in the world is telling you not to. I'm so thankful Jesus gives me that hope.

I think when God looks at me He already sees a mother because in my heart I believe he already has our precious baby ready for us. Our beautiful baby. He sees us waking up in the middle of the night to a crying child and trying to remind ourselves what a blessing he or she is. He sees me looking down and smiling at the face of a baby, a baby I questioned so many times would ever come. It's not always easy to wait but in my heart I know it will be worth it. So I will praise God while I wait because HE is worth it and I have so much to be grateful for. I don't know what it is you are waiting for from God but don't lose heart, He WILL come through for you, in His perfect timing, and it will be better than you ever imagined.

So yes we ARE having a baby...someday...when the timing is just right.

The Christmas Proposal.

If you know me at all you know this truth about me: I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

I love everything about it and I have since I was a little kid. I think part of it is because all the traditions I remember from growing up. My parents always made the season of Christmas so fun and special. Not because of the presents they bought us but because of the memories we made.That's what I remember and cherish most. Making a mess decorating Christmas cookies, watching "All I want for Christmas", staying up late Christmas Eve, waking up crazy early to the smell of bacon, and one of my most favorite traditions of all...going to the Christmas tree farm to chop down our Christmas tree. I LOVE it. As crazy as it sounds, the Christmas tree farm has always been one of my favorite places on earth. My happy place. It became even more so 6 years ago when it became the setting of a life changing event.

6 years ago today Jeremy proposed to me at the Christmas tree farm and made me that happiest woman on earth but lets go back to the beginning...

I remember it was 2005, I was living on ramon noodles and mac and cheese (which are typical staple foods for a college student) and with the holidays approaching my roommate/friend at the time and I were desperately in need of a new job. We knew places would be hiring for holiday help. So living in San Marcos we knew the best place to find a job fast was the outlet mall. Now I have to make a confession that may surprise some of you: I am not a shopper, therefore I do not enjoy the mall. I had never worked in retail nor did I have any desire to. Let's just say sales is not my forte. I was okay with that, I had accepted that. But sometimes God has other plans doesn't he? He's funny that way.

I needed a job. We applied at several places we thought it'd be "fun" to work at....or more so nice to get a discount at. The last place we decided to apply was simply because it was on our way out and we thought "why not?"  Nautica. Some of you may have heard of it, most of you probably not. I had no desire to work there but went through the motions of filling out the application. I turned it in with no expectation of getting a call....and I was okay with that.

Out of all the places we applied Nautica called me in for an interview. Me but not my roommate. Weird. To be honest I wasn't overjoyed at the time, I almost didn't go for the interview but like I said I  needed a job and would take what I would get. So I thought I'd give it a shot.

I went in one evening and it was a group interview since they were in need of a lot of help for the holidays. I met Jeremy that evening. He was one of the managers. I remember his smile first and then his big blue eyes. I thought he was cute but I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I was looking for a job. I had just come out of an almost 4 year relationship with my high school boyfriend that ended pretty crappy, with a lot of hurt. I really had no interest in starting another one.

But Jeremy definitely stood out to me for sure. I remember him making everyone laugh, the way he made all of us feel at ease. It was weird because he knew exactly what to say to make me laugh and calm my nerves...not many people could do that. Little did I know he'd be doing that the rest of my life.

I left that night uncertain if I would get the job and then they called me a couple days later. "You're hired." I had no idea how those two little words, words I had mixed feelings about hearing, would open the door to change my life forever.

Jeremy and I became friends right away. I was always happy when he and I worked the same shift because he always made it fun...bearable. He could always make me laugh and to this day it's one of the things I love most about him.

We started hanging out and it didn't take long for us to become the best of friends. I remember the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend I said "No." (He still gives me a hard time about that)

I was scared. Scared of getting hurt. I had been on a few dates here and there recently but nothing too serious. I never wanted to be a big dater. I had one serious boyfriend in my life, all through high school and at the beginning of college. I was in love. Or at least I thought I was. Funny how we think we know how something feels until the real thing comes along and we realize we had no clue.

I had this idea of what I wanted in a guy. "The Perfect Man."  And the next relationship was going to be the one that lasted. I wasn't looking for it at the time. And I definitely didn't expect it to come in a guy eight years older than me who was a manager at the place I worked. Jeremy never gave up though.

He wore me down.;)

Our first date I was crazy sick. Snotty nosed, puffy eyed MESS...not the most attractive to say the least. I was more than okay with rescheduling the date. Well, he showed up at my apartment with medicine and juice and my favorite show. We just sat there on the couch watching TV as I continually blew my nose and tried to hold onto some shred of dignity. He took care of me. Didn't complain. Somehow made me feel comfortable and beautiful. Which is hard to do when you feel like you look like an inflated version of Rudolph the red nose reindeer. It was then I knew he was different.

He met my family. Got along great with my sister. Ate my mom's tomatoes at dinner even though he hates tomatoes (and most other vegetables) and hit it off with my dad. I knew. I knew he was the one and that scared the crud out of me!

Jeremy Roth, with his sweet demeanor and goofy personality. I quickly learned he would give me a run for my money. More stubborn than me, if you can imagine. We butted heads a lot. I had never met someone that wanted to get to know me...the REAL me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, so I tried to push him away. Any way I could. But once again Jeremy didn't give up...stubborn Turd.

 I had never been good with talking about my feelings. Still struggle with it at times. And no one really cared enough to get them out of me. I can't blame them though I become a pro wall builder. Nobody was getting in there...until Jeremy Roth. He pushed, he challenged, he was not okay with just the surface Amber. He was always telling me he knew there was more to me and he wanted to see it. He used to frustrate the heck out of me... still does at times;)

 I had become content with keeping my emotions bottled up. But he wasn't okay with that. He wanted me to talk about them. Really? Ummm I was not okay with that. Yeah, I'm pretty much the guy in the relationship when it comes to dealing with feelings. Jeremy always cared enough to want me to be me. All of me. I never knew how much I needed that. I tell him all the time that He is everything I never knew I needed. Sounds cheesy but it's true. God knew what he was doing for sure. No one has ever loved me like Jeremy.

December 11, 2007. We went to the Christmas Tree Farm to help my parents pick out their tree. We drove separate from my family. When we got their, they weren't there...or so I thought. Jeremy said we should walk down a little ways to look at some of the trees. I thought it was kind of strange we weren't waiting for my family but didn't think too much of it. Walking hand in hand all of a sudden He said, "What about this one?" I turned and saw on one of the trees pictures of he and I hanging all over it. In front of the tree was a sheet with rose peddles scattered all over it. I remember saying something along the lines of "What the heck?" Typical Amber. Lost in the moment, I turned and saw Jeremy getting down on one knee. It was such a surreal moment I swear I still didn't know what was happening. He pulled out the beautiful ring and took my hand. I honestly don't remember all the words he said, but I remember the look on his face while he looked at me. LOVE. Real Love. The only way I know how to describe it. In that moment by the tears in his eyes (not common for him) I knew he loved me with a love that would last forever.

Needless to say I said "YES." I remember hugging him tighter than I ever had and crying...yes crying....you see if you know me really well you know deep down I'm a hopeless romantic. My family came out from behind another tree where my sis had been taking pictures. "Couldn't have done it without them" Jeremy said.

We took home that tree our pictures were on and to this day have a piece of the trunk. My favorite Christmas tradition had become my favorite life changing memory. And now every year we go back to that same tree farm and chop down our Christmas tree. I got the best gift that Christmas. I got the husband God had chosen specifically for me. The man who had and continues to change my life every single day. I don't remember much of what he said that evening but I remember him promising to love me and he has with an unconditionally love through my struggles with my health, through my flaws, through my good days and bad. He has been there. He shows me how to be strong. How to face things head on. He is always Encouraging me, making me smile when I don't want to, and helping me to see and believe in the real me.

December 11, 2007 It was the perfect evening, at the perfect place, with the perfect man God had for me. The beginning of the rest of my life, with the love of my life.

I'm not Keeping CHRIST in Christmas...

Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. Always has been, always will be. Because it's more than about one day out of the year, it's a season. The Christmas season has always been a time when we could have hope in the feeling of joy and peace among everyone.

It's part of why I look forward to thanksgiving every year because I know we're that much closer to peppermint everything and singing Christmas carols off key. Down comes the giant box of Christmas decorations, off to the Christmas tree farm to chop down our tree, random lights decorate the neighborhoods, Christmas music starts playing way too soon for some peoples taste and I love it! 

The smells, the sounds, the cheesy movies...I love it ALL. Even that creepy little Elf on the shelf that people do strange things with...ok maybe not that.

But more than all the lights and eggnog (mmm eggnog), what I love most about this time of year is the JOY it brings. The smile it puts on the faces of people young and old celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. All because of one word...CHRISTMAS. 

And yet somewhere along the way that very word has brought so much controversy.

I'm not really sure when it started happening but I'm amazed by the media and businesses concern about offending people by having them hear or read the word "Christmas". 

I remember my first personal experience was when I worked at the outlet mall in college. Our boss was very adamant about us saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" when we answered the phones. "We don't want to offend anyone" she said. So I did what any self respecting student employee who needed the money would do...I smiled and nodded and when the phone rang I picked it up and said "MERRY CHRISTMAS, how can I help you?" It was one of those moments when my stubborn sarcastic nature was for a good cause.For you Jesus;)

I'm a christian. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, if that offends you than so be it. I won't shove it down your throat but I'm not going to hide it either. The way I see it Jesus Christ faced the shame, the ridicule, the judgement, and punishment that should have been mine when he sacrificed himself for my sins on that cross. He had my back then, and he has ever since. Whether you believe in that or not, I do and therefore I will choose to live for Him.

I understand if people don't wish to say "Merry Christmas." They have free will and the right to their beliefs. However, I know some Christians are outraged by society's attempt to take Christ out of Christmas. How can people be offended by someone like Jesus?"

But maybe it's not an offense to Jesus Christ at all, maybe it's an offense to Christians. As a christian I realize there are a lot of people that don't agree with my beliefs. I understand that. I don't judge or condemn people that don't feel the same way I do. I can even understand why people are so against Christianity. Maybe a lot of that is not because of Christ but because of Christians. 

Maybe we as Christians are the ones that started taking Christ out of Christmas long before society did.

When we started caring more about what we want than what other people need.
When we started thinking we had the right or authority to judge other people just because they're not like us.
When we started taking, taking, taking, no matter what the cost to others.
When we started thinking calling out people's flaws was "doing them a favor."
When we hurt instead of heal, take instead of give, have pride and arrogance instead of humbleness.
When we started making people feel that they weren't "good enough" for our grace....for God's grace.

Yeah that's on us Christians. That's on me. So no, I'm not keeping Christ in Christmas....not the way I should be anyway. Saying Merry Christmas out loud to people, hanging signs in our yard or writing it on cards doesn't make it true if we're not living out the very meaning of it in our lives.

Maybe instead of trying to force people to believe in Jesus we should live our lives in a way that accurately reflects who he is. If people saw who Christ really was I believe they'd want him not only in Christmas but in their lives and isn't that what we should care most about anyway? He didn't have to force people to follow him they wanted to simply because the way he lived his life.

Maybe for those of us that truly believe Jesus is the reason for the season should honor him most by pointing to him the best way possible. How we love and treat others.

Instead of focusing all our attention on keeping Christ in Christmas maybe we should focus on keeping Christ in Christian. (I'm talking to myself here). I'm far from perfect, I mess up A LOT (no amens here please and thank you) but the biggest desire of my heart is to portray Jesus to others. The REAL Jesus.

Let's face it people need belief and hope in something all year around not just during Christmas time. And there is no greater hope than Jesus Christ. At least not in my book. That's why I want to keep Christ not just in Christmas but in everything. That's why no matter what is deemed "socially acceptable" I do and will choose Christ. I will say Merry Christmas. Not because I'm trying to offend others but because I don't want to offend Christ.  Because He is more than a story I believe of a boy that was born in a manger...he is my savior, my hope in life. He brings me peace in chaos and hope when there is every reason in the world telling me not to have any. At the end of my life, JESUS is the one I'll stand before.

I want my actions to speak louder than my words in my life. That's what Jesus was about right? Not just talking the talk but walking the walk. That's what Christmas represents. The hope of a savior. The life of Jesus, in it's entirety...not a baby in a manger. He came to save not to judge. He wasn't picky about who he helped, he didn't turn his back on the ones that didn't believe in him, he didn't even hate the ones that mocked him...even the ones that beat him and hung him on a cross! He loved in the face of hurt, healed in the face of pain, and brought hope to a hopeless world. HE is joy and so we should be too. That's what Christmas is about. That's what people need to see most. Hope and true love. Maybe by keeping Christ in our lives first, others will want to keep him in Christmas. Merry Christmas all.

 

God ain't Santa...

I'm not really sure at what age I stopped believing in Santa. At least that he is who he says he is. A jolly fat man that spends all year in his workshop of elves and somehow flies around to every house in the world in one night. We all want something to believe in don't we, even as crazy as it may seem. That Magical fairy tale.

The irony of Santa is not lost on me. As responsible adults we spend all year trying to instill in our kids a valuable lesson: Don't talk to strangers. And yet this time of year we not only encourage them to talk to a stranger in a red suit, we urge them to climb up in his lap and tell him their deepest desires so that we can get a picture. And by golly we're getting that picture even if they're screaming bloody murder. {disclaimer:those pics are my favorite}. Kind of a weird concept if you think about it. And yet it's a tradition many participate in every December. I know we did when I was little and quite honestly I'm sure I'll be that mom one day telling my kid to "tug on his beard to see of its real."

Santa is a nice guy. Jolly even. But nobody wants to talk about the judgmental side of Santa though do they? Unless it's to coral a kid's crazy behavior.{been there, seen parents in the store do that....I probably would too} It's the naughty or nice mentality. Santa's watching you. Elf on a shelf has nothin on old Saint Nick. If you're nice and do good things then you'll get stuff....if you're naughty, you get nothing, nada mi amigo. You choose. Ouch Santa. Really? That's a little harsh.What happened to the jolly old man?

I'm not writing this blog in some opinionated rant to get you to ban Santa from your household. Not that you'd listen. I like Santa. I do. I'm here to plead with you...can we stop treating God like he's Santa?

Religion has made him that. If your "good", God will bless you. If you do and say what's right then he'll give you what you ask for. If you're a " good person" then God is happy with you and you deserve the best from Him.

It's no wonder people are so turned off by 'religion'. Christianity Especially gives the impression you have to do more or be better for God to accept you...to make his "nice" list.

The truth is God owes us nothing, but yet gives us everything. Even when you're "bad" he chooses to bless you. Why? Because he ain't Santa folks. Never has been. His goodness isn't based on our behavior. Can I get an AMEN? But how often do we feel that we have to earn God's goodness. Because of what others say or have said or just our own skewed way of thinking we constantly beat ourselves up for not being "perfect" enough, mistakenly convinced God is doing the same. He hasn't answered my prayer...I must be doing something wrong. Been there, thought that. Religion makes it about law not relationship. Religion makes it about OUR failing works, instead of HIS unfailing grace. The greatest tragic fairy tale.

God doesn't say, "Well I was going to send you this peace you've been praying for but I just saw you lose patience with your kids so I'm just going to put it back in my bag." He is waiting for the right timing to answer your prayer, not the right behavior from you.

The truth is God wants to bless us because HE is good not because WE are good. It's one of the things that's hardest for me to grasp about his character and one of the things I love the most. We don't have to earn his gifts, he simply gives them out of the love he has for us.

God doesn't withhold his gifts from us when you mess up. He's not making a list and checking it twice before he can bless us...if he was we'd all end up with coal from heaven. Thankfully, God ain't Santa.