I didn't know if I'd make it to this BIRTHDAY.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different…”   –C.S. Lewis

When I first saw this quote I thought to myself  "Self...what in the freaking heck does that mean?"   Very philosophical, I know.Dont hate.But the more I thought about it the more it hit home. 

Yesterday was my 29th Birthday. Yup 29. Crazy how different it is to actually say your age out loud. But in reality it is just a number. I'm not sad about getting older or even scared. I'm actually excited. Weird I know because isn't it true that when we're younger we can't wait to grow up and when we're older we wish we were younger? The irony is not lost on me. But this year I want to be content with the age I'm at. Because you see the truth is I wasn't sure if I'd make it to this birthday...

I guess in a way we all are unsure if we'll make it to our next birthday because none of us know how long we'll live for. But let's face it, we don't really think about that, do we? Especially when we're younger. Nobody wants to think about how long they may or may not have left. Now before you stop reading because you think this is some morbid depressing end of the world blog, just humor me and keep reading because this girl is about to get REAL.

Some of you know my story with my health, some don't. I'll keep it short for now. About 5 years ago I started getting sick. Autoimmune they say....so many unanswered questions I still have.

There have been times where it felt like I was having a heart attack, times my stomach has been so bloated it looked like I was 5 months pregnant, I had pain so bad on the side of my head that they had to do a brain MRI to make sure it wasn't a tumor. I had to go get my eyes checked because for months my sight was blurry even though my vision was normal. I had to have a muscle test where they jam needles in your muscles (RUde) because I was having weakness. I've had numbness in my hands and feet, tingling in my extremities, burning so bad under my skin it feels like a really bad sunburn on my entire body.Yup, those are just a few of the"interesting" symptoms. That has been my life over the past 4 years or so. Doctor after doctor, test after test always uncertain about what they'd find, never knowing if it was as life threatening as it felt.

New symptoms arise constantly. From stomach stuff to nerve stuff you name it.....keeps my life interesting, that's for sure. I guess it's my fault for liking random and spontaneous (not quite what I had in mind God) Those of you who have experienced or know someone with autoimmune know how unpredictable it can be. It makes it hard to make plans because you have no way of knowing when a "bad day" will come. And the "normal days" feel pretty much like all your muscles contracting and won't relax and you have an unending case of the flu, mix that in with what they call "brain fog" and you're a friggin walking mess. Looking normal on the outside...feeling like you got hit by a semi driven by the hulk on the inside.

I say that not to get sympathy or pity, not at all. I know how much worse it could be. I say it 1) because I used to be hesitant to share but now I realize it's part of my story and 2) to show just how amazing my God is.

 I'M STILL HERE.  People ask me all the time how I can smile when I'm in so much pain every day.All I can say is JESUS.All JESUS. The truth is, it hasn't always been that way. I spent a lot of time being bitter and angry, depressed and hurt. I had a lot of days questioning why and saying "I wish this didn't happen!"

God has worked on me in ways I can't even begin to explain in one blog. Little by little day by day. A work in progress...still...always.

I definitely still have days where I struggle with my joy, my faith is tested and I get upset with God but this birthday I realized something, it's the first year where I have no desire to say "I wish this didn't happen to me." That in and of itself is HUGE. God has changed my heart and my outlook.

He has made me stronger as a person, made me even more compassionate towards others, changed my focus about what's truly important and most importantly brought me closer to Him. Without this I don't know if I'd be where I am. I have a whole new appreciation for life.Before I could only talk about God, now I know him. I've felt his hope on the days I wanted to give up, I've felt his power when I've cried out in desperate prayer, I've seen His grace on my worst days, and I've felt his unconditional love through the people he's brought into my life. He's always been there. Even when I don't understand, He is there. Working, for the bigger picture, the greater plan.

My pain has turned my second hand knowledge of who I thought God is into first hand experience of who I know He is.

So that is why this birthday means so much more and in this moment I will smile. I will choose to trust him even when it's not easy. This is the only moment I know I have for sure.I can't go back and change the hurt but in this moment and every moment God blesses me with after this I can choose how I let it affect me.

I used to feel like this happened to me but now I feel like it happened for me. I know my God uses all things for my good. Even the tough stuff. I may not like it or always understand it, it may be painful but I trust God to use it to work for me and not let the enemy use it to work against me.

I don't know what your struggle is today, maybe it's finances, maybe someone hurt you, maybe you feel unworthy or just don't understand why you're going through the situation you're going through and can't seem to catch a break. Can I tell you something I know for a fact, GOD IS THERE. He is working, maybe not the way you want right now but the way he knows is best. It may not feel like things are changing, you may see no way out... but they are changing and there is a way out. It's temporary.It's temporary.It's temporary.What God is doing through it will be permanent.You see God knew this was coming, He had the solution before you had the problem. Keep pressing into him, keep pushing forward, I promise you, IT WILL BE WORTH IT!

THANKS FOR READING!