let me clarify: I AM NOT PREGNANT.
Before you feel cheated or give me evil eyes through your computer screen I'd appreciate if you'd give me a few moments of your time to hear me out.
We are having a baby....someday.
It's a hope I hold onto, daily.
Have you ever said the words "I can't wait"? I'm almost positive if you're human, you have at some point in your life. Whether it's something big or small we all have things we long for. The desires of our heart. The things we are so excited about having in our hands that we have a hard time waiting for it.
I confess having a baby has been my "can't wait" for awhile now. I've always loved children but the day I fell in love with Jeremy I knew that bringing a child of my own into this world with him one day would be one of the greatest blessings in my life... I just never knew how difficult that blessing would be to obtain.
My illness came on a few months after we got married. With all the doctor visits, expenses, and unanswered questions with my health we decided to wait before we started to try and have children. We also wanted to travel some, so we did. It helped me get my mind off of this sickness that had come out of no where. Puerto Rico, California, Chicago, Hawaii. We have been so blessed! It's been an amazing adventure from the day we said "I do." But still one of the greatest desires of my heart was to experience what I believe would be one of the greatest adventures of all...having a child.
So we decided that we were going to trust God with answers and our finances and have a baby. Just like that right? Wrong. We were quickly reminded that our timeline doesn't always line up with God's.Our plans aren't always His.
For the last almost 3 years my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. It has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. There have been so many times that the symptoms of my illness have mimicked pregnancy symptoms and when you're praying for that very thing it's crazy how excited you get over some nausea and sore breasts! But then with that came disappointment...again and again.
There have been lots of prayers, several negative pregnancy tests, and countless tears. There have been so many times I've questioned God, I've felt anger,confusion, hurt, heartache and every other emotion imaginable on this journey.
There have been times were I just look at Jeremy and he knows. He knows what's on my heart. He knows how much I long to hold a little Roth in my arms with daddy's blue eyes staring up at me. Mom. My heart desires to be one.
You see the thing I've learned about the "Can't Waits" is that you actually "Can wait" and not because you don't have a choice but because it is worth it. There is so much to gain in the waiting.
Patience is not always an easy quality to exhibit. In fact I think it's one of the hardest. Especially in today's world where everything is so easily accessible for us. Waiting for something you hope for can be challenging to say the least. Especially good things, things you don't always understand why God would be withholding from you.
But what I've been learning over the past several years is that I don't believe God's withholding answered prayers from us, I think we just haven't seen the answer...Yet. I think he is right there waiting with us. Desiring for us to turn to him, to lean into his strength to strengthen us while we wait. For the right timing. For the perfect moment.
There is no doubt that the unanswered prayer for healing for my chronic pain has made me a stronger person and brought me closer to God. And there is no doubt that our unanswered prayer for a child has brought Jeremy and I so much closer as a couple. Waiting builds character, it strengthens faith, and brings hope...if you let it. As much as I want a baby, I have to want God more. I look at the last few years and see that despite the trials we've faced God has also blessed us beyond measure. The things and people he has brought into our lives fill my heart in the places where the things we don't have are missing.
If there is one thing God keeps putting on my heart it's that He knows what He's doing. He is ALWAYS at work. Even if we can't see it. Even when it doesn't make sense to us. He sees the bigger picture. All of it. He can handle our disappointment and discouragement. He knows he has something better in store. He knows what is best for us. We may not always understand why things happen the way they do while they're happening but one day we will. One day we will see what He was doing and realize that all the waiting was worth it. I believe that, I have to. That's what hope is. Believing in something when everything in the world is telling you not to. I'm so thankful Jesus gives me that hope.
I think when God looks at me He already sees a mother because in my heart I believe he already has our precious baby ready for us. Our beautiful baby. He sees us waking up in the middle of the night to a crying child and trying to remind ourselves what a blessing he or she is. He sees me looking down and smiling at the face of a baby, a baby I questioned so many times would ever come. It's not always easy to wait but in my heart I know it will be worth it. So I will praise God while I wait because HE is worth it and I have so much to be grateful for. I don't know what it is you are waiting for from God but don't lose heart, He WILL come through for you, in His perfect timing, and it will be better than you ever imagined.
So yes we ARE having a baby...someday...when the timing is just right.
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