Jesus Didn't Die for You...

 If you've ever heard people say it's not a religion, it's a relationship. This is why. It's so much more than rules and restrictions. We have overcomplicated Christianity. No wonder people are turned off by it no wonder it's viewed as bondage. We've turned it into something it was never meant to be.

So let me start by this sharing this shocking truth:

Jesus died for ALL people but he didn't die for ALL things.

Jesus didn't die for you to have to live your life in defeat. Why are you constantly feeling broken and beating yourself up for every bad decision you have made or will ever make? When EVERY single thing you do or don't do past, present, or future is already wiped clean by the King. In him you will never be a failure.In him you are a victor not a victim. You are more than a conqueror. He takes the failure so you can have the freedom.
"So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through." John 8:36

Jesus didn't die for you to judge or let yourself be judged by other people. Your position doesn't make you better. Your choices don't make you holier. Your way of living doesn't make you know it all. And no one is better than you because of any of those things. Christians have got to stop with the better than attitude. Everything we are, everything we have is by God's grace alone. Don't ever let anyone, I don't care who they are, make you feel inferior or that you're not enough.
"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17


Jesus didn't die for you to have to feel trapped or in bondage. Stop letting yourself or others hold you back from a life of  fulfillment in God. Stop settling for what you think you deserve.Or what others made you feel like you deserve.You were made for so much more than all of this.
"My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." John 10:10b

Jesus didn't die for you to have to live in fear.You know those trials you face? Those things that come at you? They try to knock you off your feet, knock the wind out of you. You don't know how to escape them, how you are going to get through them.Get up. Don't be afraid. Jesus already took care of them for you! He already has the answer. He already has the escape.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”John 16:33

Jesus didn't die for you to have to need others to validate you or decide your worth. You're worth is in Him. We are all flawed. Seeking our approval from others will always leave us disappointed. People will come and go in your life that think they know you, think they have a right to decide your value.They don't. You are free from that. God knows your heart. HE is the one you will stand before at the end of your life. At the end of the day HIS is the only approval that really matters. And through Jesus you already have it. 
"People look at the outside, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Jesus didn't die for you to have to be perfect. We put so much pressure on ourselves sometimes to be perfect in every area of our lives. Either for other people or for ourselves because we think if we don't we're failing or letting someone down. Stop it. You will never be perfect. Jesus knew that, it's why he made the sacrifice he did. You don't have to measure up. You hear me? Jesus already did, he already does. We do our best. We seek him and learn and grow. But while we're growing we need to let go of the idea that we're disappointing everyone and remember we are HUMAN. Jesus is and always will be the only perfect person.
God is working on you. Making you new. Rest in knowing He is and will use ALL things for your good and His Glory.
"So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace." 2 Corinthians 4:16


Jesus didn't die for you never to make mistakes. Can I tell you something that is very hard to grasp, what many Christians struggle with and make other people feel like it's not true but it is, ready? IT IS OKAY TO MESS UP. It's okay to be weak.It's okay to struggle and make wrong choices. It's not an excuse to do it, it's freedom to know God still loves you the same when you do. His grace still covers you. He will still use you. Stop beating yourself up. Stop it. Jesus knew the decisions you'd make, the screw ups and flaws you'd have. He had them on his mind when he died on that cross. Not so you would spend the rest of your life feeling guilty but because he knew he would be enough. God's grace is enough.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Jesus didn't die for you to hide your failures and live in shame. It doesn't depend on US, it depends on HIM. You ARE free to be you. Free to be REAL. The jacked up, this is me, flaws and all YOU. You need freedom in that. The world needs to see that. As ashamed as we are to show that sometimes. People need to see it's okay not to be okay. Christianity is not about putting on a cleaned up charade for people, it's about being ourselves and pointing to Jesus through it all. Saying I MESS UP but Jesus has me covered. Come as you are. It's what Jesus told us, it's what we need to portray to others.People need to see God's grace at work not just have it preached at them.
 "Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:13


Jesus didn't die so you would have to DO to earn grace or mercy. If you do this and then this...then presto...God is happy. He'll give you Grace. No! Jesus has already DONE and grace is already yours. His last words on the cross were IT IS FINISHED. And He meant it. 
"Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish!" Ephesians 2:8


Blood dripping down his body, sweat on his brow, pain coursing through his veins while people laughed at him. As he hung on the cross, rusty nails pierced through him, the son of God, all the power to come down, to stop the pain, to end the torture. But he didn't, why? Because he had YOU on his mind. YOU specifically. Not a broad spectrum of people... YOU. Before you were even on this earth.He loved YOU. He knew YOU. Knew what you'd look like, your personality, knew the mistakes you'd make, the imperfections you'd have. He knew because the sin of the world that you'd be separated from God. That you couldn't be perfect. So he Chose to make a sacrifice....himself....so that you could be connected with God for all of eternity.A free gift that all we have to do is believe in. It's freedom. It's redemption. It's forgiveness. It's excitement and joy despite hardships. It's peace that doesn't make sense. It's true,everlasting LOVE.

It's not about Guilt. Jesus took the overwhelming guilt, so we could have the endless grace. If you have Jesus, when God looks at you he says "I love you unconditionally and the verdict is, NOT GUILTY."

I didn't know if I'd make it to this BIRTHDAY.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different…”   –C.S. Lewis

When I first saw this quote I thought to myself  "Self...what in the freaking heck does that mean?"   Very philosophical, I know.Dont hate.But the more I thought about it the more it hit home. 

Yesterday was my 29th Birthday. Yup 29. Crazy how different it is to actually say your age out loud. But in reality it is just a number. I'm not sad about getting older or even scared. I'm actually excited. Weird I know because isn't it true that when we're younger we can't wait to grow up and when we're older we wish we were younger? The irony is not lost on me. But this year I want to be content with the age I'm at. Because you see the truth is I wasn't sure if I'd make it to this birthday...

I guess in a way we all are unsure if we'll make it to our next birthday because none of us know how long we'll live for. But let's face it, we don't really think about that, do we? Especially when we're younger. Nobody wants to think about how long they may or may not have left. Now before you stop reading because you think this is some morbid depressing end of the world blog, just humor me and keep reading because this girl is about to get REAL.

Some of you know my story with my health, some don't. I'll keep it short for now. About 5 years ago I started getting sick. Autoimmune they say....so many unanswered questions I still have.

There have been times where it felt like I was having a heart attack, times my stomach has been so bloated it looked like I was 5 months pregnant, I had pain so bad on the side of my head that they had to do a brain MRI to make sure it wasn't a tumor. I had to go get my eyes checked because for months my sight was blurry even though my vision was normal. I had to have a muscle test where they jam needles in your muscles (RUde) because I was having weakness. I've had numbness in my hands and feet, tingling in my extremities, burning so bad under my skin it feels like a really bad sunburn on my entire body.Yup, those are just a few of the"interesting" symptoms. That has been my life over the past 4 years or so. Doctor after doctor, test after test always uncertain about what they'd find, never knowing if it was as life threatening as it felt.

New symptoms arise constantly. From stomach stuff to nerve stuff you name it.....keeps my life interesting, that's for sure. I guess it's my fault for liking random and spontaneous (not quite what I had in mind God) Those of you who have experienced or know someone with autoimmune know how unpredictable it can be. It makes it hard to make plans because you have no way of knowing when a "bad day" will come. And the "normal days" feel pretty much like all your muscles contracting and won't relax and you have an unending case of the flu, mix that in with what they call "brain fog" and you're a friggin walking mess. Looking normal on the outside...feeling like you got hit by a semi driven by the hulk on the inside.

I say that not to get sympathy or pity, not at all. I know how much worse it could be. I say it 1) because I used to be hesitant to share but now I realize it's part of my story and 2) to show just how amazing my God is.

 I'M STILL HERE.  People ask me all the time how I can smile when I'm in so much pain every day.All I can say is JESUS.All JESUS. The truth is, it hasn't always been that way. I spent a lot of time being bitter and angry, depressed and hurt. I had a lot of days questioning why and saying "I wish this didn't happen!"

God has worked on me in ways I can't even begin to explain in one blog. Little by little day by day. A work in progress...still...always.

I definitely still have days where I struggle with my joy, my faith is tested and I get upset with God but this birthday I realized something, it's the first year where I have no desire to say "I wish this didn't happen to me." That in and of itself is HUGE. God has changed my heart and my outlook.

He has made me stronger as a person, made me even more compassionate towards others, changed my focus about what's truly important and most importantly brought me closer to Him. Without this I don't know if I'd be where I am. I have a whole new appreciation for life.Before I could only talk about God, now I know him. I've felt his hope on the days I wanted to give up, I've felt his power when I've cried out in desperate prayer, I've seen His grace on my worst days, and I've felt his unconditional love through the people he's brought into my life. He's always been there. Even when I don't understand, He is there. Working, for the bigger picture, the greater plan.

My pain has turned my second hand knowledge of who I thought God is into first hand experience of who I know He is.

So that is why this birthday means so much more and in this moment I will smile. I will choose to trust him even when it's not easy. This is the only moment I know I have for sure.I can't go back and change the hurt but in this moment and every moment God blesses me with after this I can choose how I let it affect me.

I used to feel like this happened to me but now I feel like it happened for me. I know my God uses all things for my good. Even the tough stuff. I may not like it or always understand it, it may be painful but I trust God to use it to work for me and not let the enemy use it to work against me.

I don't know what your struggle is today, maybe it's finances, maybe someone hurt you, maybe you feel unworthy or just don't understand why you're going through the situation you're going through and can't seem to catch a break. Can I tell you something I know for a fact, GOD IS THERE. He is working, maybe not the way you want right now but the way he knows is best. It may not feel like things are changing, you may see no way out... but they are changing and there is a way out. It's temporary.It's temporary.It's temporary.What God is doing through it will be permanent.You see God knew this was coming, He had the solution before you had the problem. Keep pressing into him, keep pushing forward, I promise you, IT WILL BE WORTH IT!

THANKS FOR READING!

Why you are NOT failing as a woman

Hey you, yes I'm talking to you,

You are not failing.

I may not know you well, I may not know where you're at in this moment of your life, where you've come from, or where you're headed but if you are a woman I can say this with utmost certainty; you are doing a great job.

How can I say that? Well for starters I'm a woman. A woman who beats herself up a lot. A woman who has struggled with the pressures of this crazy world and trying to find my place in it.

My worth.

I realize each of us may be in a different place in our lives. A mother. A wife. A daughter. A sister. A career woman. A leader. A supporter. A friend. A homemaker. A single woman. A dating woman. A grandmother. An Aunt. A cook. A maid. But as much as it feels like it from day to day, not one of these things define us. Not one.

Before your feisty "I am woman hear me roar" side comes out let me follow up by saying this, those things do matter. Those roles are important, very important. There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve or be the best you can at each thing. They help shape us, mold us, and are our way of contributing to this world we live in. But hear me loud and clear when I say this, THEY DO NOT DETERMINE YOUR WORTH.

We put so much pressure on ourselves as women don't we? We want to be the best at every area of our lives. And we give ourselves little leeway when we mess up. When we dont "measure up". Especially with the crazy world of social media. There are constant reminders of how we could be "doing it better." We compare, we compete, we wear ourselves out to the very soul trying to live up to standards of what we think a woman should be. Let's face it we all want to feel accomplished, we all want to feel worthy.

But can we take a second to remind each other (lovingly of course) of the undeniable truth that: We are not perfect. And we never will be. Hate to bust your perfection bubble but that perfect wife, she doesn't exist. That perfect mom, she isn't out there. That woman who does everything right and looks flawless doing it, she isn't real. We need to stop comparing our own lives with the photoshopped version of others or what we think we should be.

When your kids act a fool...your worth doesn't decrease.
When your husband isnt happy...your worth doesn't decrease.
When your house is a mess...your worth doesn't decrease.
When you screw up at your job...your worth doesn't decrease.
When you can't seem to lose or gain that weight...your worth doesn't decrease.
When you keep struggling with the same thing...your worth doesn't decrease.
When you go back to that addiction...your worth doesn't decrease.
When someone doesn't approve of you...your worth doesn't decrease.

The Truth is the God who created you says you are worthy NOW. Not when...Not if...NOW. As is. You are worthy of belonging now, right this minute. You have God's love now, just as you are.

So often as women we let ourselves get pulled in 50 different directions at the same time.And all because we want everyone to be satisfied because we put the pressure on ourselves to think its our job.But the truth is it isn't, and we can't.

I know you want to do better. I know you want to make your husband happy, your kids to behave, your boss to notice, your peers to approve. But we have to remember they are human too. You can't be perfect for them, and THAT IS OKAY. You give your best, that's all you can. And remember we are ALL a work in progress.

You know why I got the word "beloved" permanently tattooed on my arm? THAT is why. To remind me I am worthy. Not because of who I am, what I do, or how well I do it but because of WHO I belong to. God's beloved child. He is always there unconditionally loving me no matter what I do or don't do right. Wow.

Listen to me, you cherished woman you, YOU ARE NOT FAILING.
You are not failing at being worthy because you already are worthy.
So do me a favor whether you think it's cheesy or not.Take a deep breath, let it out, and repeat after me...."I am a woman and I am not failing.I AM worthy.Right now.As is."

What I know About Moms...even though i'm not one.

      Okay let me first start by just saying I know some of you may be thinking what qualifications do I have to talk about moms when I am not a mother myself. Let me just answer your valid pondering with this, NONE. I can't say "I feel ya" or "I know I've been there."

     I've never myself heard the broken record high pitched sound of a child's voice say to me "Mom, mom, mom, Moooooooooom!"

     So let me just begin with a disclaimer: If you're looking for an inspiring blog from someone that's been in your shoes as a mother, this isn't it. If you want to stop reading, I won't be mad at you...not for that long;) But it is my opinion that you will miss out if you do. So what do you have to lose?

     Can I just start by saying something I believe to be true: BEING A MOM IS BY FAR ONE OF THE HARDEST JOBS ANY PERSON CAN HAVE. Do I have your attention now?:) I mean that, wholeheartedly. Even as someone who is not yet a mother, I can say that. And I stand behind it. That is in no way to discredit or downplay any other jobs. Honestly in my eyes if you are working, anywhere, I respect you.

     So this is the first thing I know about moms, you ready? You are a hero. Why? Because you sacrifice, a lot. Heroes don't just wear capes or uniforms, heroes put others above themselves. And I see moms do that. All the time. I saw my own mom do that, time and time again growing up. It's only now that I can look back and truly appreciate all the sacrifices she's made and continues to make. I know she would tell you firsthand, once a mom, always a mom. Okay you mom, with the baby on one hip, a toddler pulling at your disheveled T-shirt who rarely gets a second to sit down and breath in much less back out.... I don't say that to scare you. To make you feel like "holy gum in the hair, it's never going to end." I say that to encourage the impact you ARE making.


      I have so much respect for the moms who sacrifice for their children. I'm not even talk about the huge sacrifices in some people's eyes like not having the car you want because your kid needs braces, or wearing the same tired sweater every Christmas because you'd rather spend that money on something for little Timmy. Those are incredible sacrifices. But I'm referring to the small sacrifices, the ones you make every day that you think nobody notices.

     Like when all you want is a second alone to just sit and relax or take a shower or even scratch your butt (had to) but your toddler wants you to read him a story or the baby just wants to be held or your older kids need help with their homework. Or the times you ate cold dinner or didn't get to finish because the baby made a mess and the dishes are piling up so you clean instead. Little things day in and day out. Things that say "my kids are more important." From the outside looking in, I've noticed them. I appreciate the heck out of them.That may not mean much coming from someone like me but just know you are appreciated and inspiring even when you don't realize it.

    The other thing I know about moms is that they are very hard on themselves. I have a close friend who is an AMAZING mother. But I've seen firsthand how hard she is on herself and all because she just wants what's best for her kids. That in and of itself is incredible to me. But I see the weight it puts on her shoulders. The desire to be perfect not because she pridefully thinks she should be but because she thinks her kids deserve it. I also see how happy her kids are, I mean genuinely happy. Not temporary "You just gave me what I wanted" happy. But happy down in their souls because they know they are loved. They know who they are.

      I know there are times my mom felt like she was failing, I've seen other moms feel the same. When their kid faces hurt or makes a stupid decision, it's the natural instinct of a mom to take it on herself. I tend to beat myself up constantly so I can't even imagine how I'll be when I'm responsible for another human being! But I can assure you, your teaching is not being wasted. Even if you don't see the finish project in front of you, YOU are doing a good job with your children.

"Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6

    You may have to tell them 50 million times. (me) You may get back talk. (me) You may get rolled eyes. (me) But they do hear you. And one day it will sink in. No matter how long it takes, it will be worth it. I can't imagine the feeling of defeat, exhaustion, wanting to give up even though you know you cant. Not because you would trade your job as a mom for anything but because you want to do the best you can for your kids.

     Can I just tell you something. You already are. I worked in a children's shelter and I can't even begin to tell you the stories there. The children we'd take in from newborn to teens. You wouldn't believe some of the things they went through. It broke my heart in ways I couldn't even begin to explain. But you know what those kids wanted even more than new clothes, or toys, or to go and do things, was LOVE. Simple as that. 


     The compassion I had for children grew ten fold when I worked there. I poured my heart and soul into loving on those kids because they needed it and my heart longed to give it to them. But you know what I had to realize that as happy as they were with that love it could never replace the love of a mother. 

      You see your kids don't love you just because you buy them things, feed them, clothe them, or take them places (although it may seem that way at times) they love you simply because you are their mother. YOU. No one else can give them that kind of love.That's what they'll take with them. That's what they'll remember when their older "we may not have had everything, but what we did have was love."

      That's what I remember most about my childhood. My mom was always there, loving me. Even when it wasn't easy. She got upset, she messed up, she got frustrated at times but she always, always loved us. 

      What I know about moms, no one can love quite like they can. So love those kiddos. Kiss them, hug them. If they know they're loved, you're winning. At the end of the day that's what matters. There may be toys all over the floor, dishes in the sink, a cut on their knee, a "D" on their homework but they know you love them and will no matter what. Nothing matters more than that. When God called you to be a mama, he didn't ask for perfection But that you would love them. The way he loves you. Unconditionally. Not always easy, but always worth it.

     So thank you moms. For simply taking on the hardest job on the planet. Don't beat yourself up so much. You are doing great. With no makeup because you don't have time, bags under your eyes because you rarely sleep, stretch marks you wish would pull a Houdini vanishing act from having your third child, you AMAZE me. Those things are things in my eyes that make you the most BEAUTIFUL person on the planet. 

Your kids appreciate you even if they don't express it yet and one day God will look at you and say "Well done, good and faithful servant. You loved the kids I entrusted you with. I knew you could do it."

If you want to be a racist...

Judgement...
hatred....
two strong words. Two words that drive a lot of the beliefs and actions of society. It's not about posted laws...it's about the heart. Seeing someone as different than we are and thinking we are better than them is judgement at its finest. Race, social standing, ethnicity, sexual preference, religious views, lifestyle choices, the list goes on. How often does the world look at others through the eyes of judgement, through the lens of bitterness and hate. Why? Because they are different. Whether by choice or not, they aren't like we are. They don't believe what we do, live like we do, talk like we do so they are not worth our love? Is that the message we want to leave for our kids? I would hope not.

You know what? I don't judge the person who wants to be racist because that was ingrained in them or the person who chooses to hate gays because they don't agree with that lifestyle. As a Christian woman I can already hear you saying "What's wrong with you?" But if I chose to judge them than I would be doing the same thing they are doing. And my heart has never been to judge even if I may not agree with someone. So no, I don't feel hatred for them, what I do feel is sorry for them. My heart hurts for them because I know how much they are missing out on by choosing to hold onto that hatred. By clinging tight to their prejudices. They are missing out on getting to meet some amazing people.

Yes as a Christian there are things I believe in for myself but I have so many amazing people in my life who don't share all those beliefs. And I love them. I think to myself how sad it would be to have missed out on getting to know them just because I may not agree with everything they do. Since when did we become so prideful to think that we have the right or authority to judge people for being different than us? It's one of the things that breaks my heart the most in this world.

Especially when people try to bring God into it. When Christians specifically try to use the bible or what they believe as a weapon to judge others, something isn't right. No I don't think it's wrong to stand up for what you believe in and speak the truth. But there's a difference between believing in something and using it to judge someone who doesn't. Last time I checked God said he created us ALL in his image. He doesnt mess up. He doesnt make junk. We are all his creation and he is in LOVE with his creations. Black, white, Hispanic, Asian, gay, straight, poor, rich.... there are no standards for his love. No restrictions to his grace. We are all at different stages of our walk in life. And honestly the thing you think that person is struggling with, although it seems like it to you, isn't any worse than the things you have or are struggling with yourself. That's not a fun truth to believe, but it is just that, TRUTH.

So if the God who created the universe can love ALL people the same why can't we?

The bible says that man judges by outward appearance but God looks at the heart. We are called to LOVE others whether WE think they are worthy of it or not. You don't have to agree with someone to love them.

So if you want to be a racist that is your choice. I'm not going to try and change you becauae lets face it, I can't. But all I will say is man you sure are missing out.

We're having A baby!

Ok now before I start getting Congratulations or angry phone calls from people who think I didn't tell them the news before I shared it with the world of Facebook (you know who you are)...

 let me clarify: I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Before you feel cheated or give me evil eyes through your computer screen I'd appreciate if you'd give me a few moments of your time to hear me out.

We are having a baby....someday.

It's a hope I hold onto, daily.

Have you ever said the words "I can't wait"? I'm almost positive if you're human, you have at some point in your life. Whether it's something big or small we all have things we long for. The desires of our heart. The things we are so excited about having in our hands that we have a hard time waiting for it.

I confess having a baby has been my "can't wait" for awhile now. I've always loved children but the day I fell in love with Jeremy I knew that bringing a child of my own into this world with him one day would be one of the greatest blessings in my life... I just never knew how difficult that blessing would be to obtain.

My illness came on a few months after we got married. With all the doctor visits, expenses, and unanswered questions with my health we decided to wait before we started to try and have children. We also wanted to travel some, so we did. It helped me get my mind off of this sickness that had come out of no where. Puerto Rico, California, Chicago, Hawaii. We have been so blessed! It's been an amazing adventure from the day we said "I do." But still one of the greatest desires of my heart was to experience what I believe would be one of the greatest adventures of all...having a child.

So we decided that we were going to trust God with answers and our finances and have a baby. Just like that right? Wrong. We were quickly reminded that our timeline doesn't always line up with God's.Our plans aren't always His.

For the last almost 3 years my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. It has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. There have been so many times that the symptoms of my illness have mimicked pregnancy symptoms and when you're praying for that very thing it's crazy how excited you get over some nausea and sore breasts! But then with that came disappointment...again and again.

There have been lots of prayers, several negative pregnancy tests, and countless tears. There have been so many times I've questioned God, I've felt anger,confusion, hurt, heartache and every other emotion imaginable on this journey.

There have been times were I just look at Jeremy and he knows. He knows what's on my heart. He knows how much I long to hold a little Roth in my arms with daddy's blue eyes staring up at me. Mom. My heart desires to be one.

You see the thing I've learned about the "Can't Waits" is that you actually "Can wait" and not because you don't have a choice but because it is worth it. There is so much to gain in the waiting.

Patience is not always an easy quality to exhibit. In fact I think it's one of the hardest. Especially in today's world where everything is so easily accessible for us. Waiting for something you hope for can be challenging to say the least. Especially good things, things you don't always understand why God would be withholding from you.

But what I've been learning over the past several years is that I don't believe God's withholding answered prayers from us, I think we just haven't seen the answer...Yet. I think he is right there waiting with us. Desiring for us to turn to him, to lean into his strength to strengthen us while we wait. For the right timing. For the perfect moment.

There is no doubt that the unanswered prayer for healing for my chronic pain has made me a stronger person and brought me closer to God. And there is no doubt that our unanswered prayer for a child has brought Jeremy and I so much closer as a couple. Waiting builds character, it strengthens faith, and brings hope...if you let it. As much as I want a baby, I have to want God more. I look at the last few years and see that despite the trials we've faced God has also blessed us beyond measure. The things and people he has brought into our lives fill my heart in the places where the things we don't have are missing.

If there is one thing God keeps putting on my heart it's that He knows what He's doing. He is ALWAYS at work. Even if we can't see it. Even when it doesn't make sense to us.  He sees the bigger picture. All of it. He can handle our disappointment and discouragement. He knows he has something better in store.  He knows what is best for us.  We may not always understand why things happen the way they do while they're happening but one day we will. One day we will see what He was doing and realize that all the waiting was worth it. I believe that, I have to. That's what hope is. Believing in something when everything in the world is telling you not to. I'm so thankful Jesus gives me that hope.

I think when God looks at me He already sees a mother because in my heart I believe he already has our precious baby ready for us. Our beautiful baby. He sees us waking up in the middle of the night to a crying child and trying to remind ourselves what a blessing he or she is. He sees me looking down and smiling at the face of a baby, a baby I questioned so many times would ever come. It's not always easy to wait but in my heart I know it will be worth it. So I will praise God while I wait because HE is worth it and I have so much to be grateful for. I don't know what it is you are waiting for from God but don't lose heart, He WILL come through for you, in His perfect timing, and it will be better than you ever imagined.

So yes we ARE having a baby...someday...when the timing is just right.

The Christmas Proposal.

If you know me at all you know this truth about me: I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

I love everything about it and I have since I was a little kid. I think part of it is because all the traditions I remember from growing up. My parents always made the season of Christmas so fun and special. Not because of the presents they bought us but because of the memories we made.That's what I remember and cherish most. Making a mess decorating Christmas cookies, watching "All I want for Christmas", staying up late Christmas Eve, waking up crazy early to the smell of bacon, and one of my most favorite traditions of all...going to the Christmas tree farm to chop down our Christmas tree. I LOVE it. As crazy as it sounds, the Christmas tree farm has always been one of my favorite places on earth. My happy place. It became even more so 6 years ago when it became the setting of a life changing event.

6 years ago today Jeremy proposed to me at the Christmas tree farm and made me that happiest woman on earth but lets go back to the beginning...

I remember it was 2005, I was living on ramon noodles and mac and cheese (which are typical staple foods for a college student) and with the holidays approaching my roommate/friend at the time and I were desperately in need of a new job. We knew places would be hiring for holiday help. So living in San Marcos we knew the best place to find a job fast was the outlet mall. Now I have to make a confession that may surprise some of you: I am not a shopper, therefore I do not enjoy the mall. I had never worked in retail nor did I have any desire to. Let's just say sales is not my forte. I was okay with that, I had accepted that. But sometimes God has other plans doesn't he? He's funny that way.

I needed a job. We applied at several places we thought it'd be "fun" to work at....or more so nice to get a discount at. The last place we decided to apply was simply because it was on our way out and we thought "why not?"  Nautica. Some of you may have heard of it, most of you probably not. I had no desire to work there but went through the motions of filling out the application. I turned it in with no expectation of getting a call....and I was okay with that.

Out of all the places we applied Nautica called me in for an interview. Me but not my roommate. Weird. To be honest I wasn't overjoyed at the time, I almost didn't go for the interview but like I said I  needed a job and would take what I would get. So I thought I'd give it a shot.

I went in one evening and it was a group interview since they were in need of a lot of help for the holidays. I met Jeremy that evening. He was one of the managers. I remember his smile first and then his big blue eyes. I thought he was cute but I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I was looking for a job. I had just come out of an almost 4 year relationship with my high school boyfriend that ended pretty crappy, with a lot of hurt. I really had no interest in starting another one.

But Jeremy definitely stood out to me for sure. I remember him making everyone laugh, the way he made all of us feel at ease. It was weird because he knew exactly what to say to make me laugh and calm my nerves...not many people could do that. Little did I know he'd be doing that the rest of my life.

I left that night uncertain if I would get the job and then they called me a couple days later. "You're hired." I had no idea how those two little words, words I had mixed feelings about hearing, would open the door to change my life forever.

Jeremy and I became friends right away. I was always happy when he and I worked the same shift because he always made it fun...bearable. He could always make me laugh and to this day it's one of the things I love most about him.

We started hanging out and it didn't take long for us to become the best of friends. I remember the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend I said "No." (He still gives me a hard time about that)

I was scared. Scared of getting hurt. I had been on a few dates here and there recently but nothing too serious. I never wanted to be a big dater. I had one serious boyfriend in my life, all through high school and at the beginning of college. I was in love. Or at least I thought I was. Funny how we think we know how something feels until the real thing comes along and we realize we had no clue.

I had this idea of what I wanted in a guy. "The Perfect Man."  And the next relationship was going to be the one that lasted. I wasn't looking for it at the time. And I definitely didn't expect it to come in a guy eight years older than me who was a manager at the place I worked. Jeremy never gave up though.

He wore me down.;)

Our first date I was crazy sick. Snotty nosed, puffy eyed MESS...not the most attractive to say the least. I was more than okay with rescheduling the date. Well, he showed up at my apartment with medicine and juice and my favorite show. We just sat there on the couch watching TV as I continually blew my nose and tried to hold onto some shred of dignity. He took care of me. Didn't complain. Somehow made me feel comfortable and beautiful. Which is hard to do when you feel like you look like an inflated version of Rudolph the red nose reindeer. It was then I knew he was different.

He met my family. Got along great with my sister. Ate my mom's tomatoes at dinner even though he hates tomatoes (and most other vegetables) and hit it off with my dad. I knew. I knew he was the one and that scared the crud out of me!

Jeremy Roth, with his sweet demeanor and goofy personality. I quickly learned he would give me a run for my money. More stubborn than me, if you can imagine. We butted heads a lot. I had never met someone that wanted to get to know me...the REAL me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, so I tried to push him away. Any way I could. But once again Jeremy didn't give up...stubborn Turd.

 I had never been good with talking about my feelings. Still struggle with it at times. And no one really cared enough to get them out of me. I can't blame them though I become a pro wall builder. Nobody was getting in there...until Jeremy Roth. He pushed, he challenged, he was not okay with just the surface Amber. He was always telling me he knew there was more to me and he wanted to see it. He used to frustrate the heck out of me... still does at times;)

 I had become content with keeping my emotions bottled up. But he wasn't okay with that. He wanted me to talk about them. Really? Ummm I was not okay with that. Yeah, I'm pretty much the guy in the relationship when it comes to dealing with feelings. Jeremy always cared enough to want me to be me. All of me. I never knew how much I needed that. I tell him all the time that He is everything I never knew I needed. Sounds cheesy but it's true. God knew what he was doing for sure. No one has ever loved me like Jeremy.

December 11, 2007. We went to the Christmas Tree Farm to help my parents pick out their tree. We drove separate from my family. When we got their, they weren't there...or so I thought. Jeremy said we should walk down a little ways to look at some of the trees. I thought it was kind of strange we weren't waiting for my family but didn't think too much of it. Walking hand in hand all of a sudden He said, "What about this one?" I turned and saw on one of the trees pictures of he and I hanging all over it. In front of the tree was a sheet with rose peddles scattered all over it. I remember saying something along the lines of "What the heck?" Typical Amber. Lost in the moment, I turned and saw Jeremy getting down on one knee. It was such a surreal moment I swear I still didn't know what was happening. He pulled out the beautiful ring and took my hand. I honestly don't remember all the words he said, but I remember the look on his face while he looked at me. LOVE. Real Love. The only way I know how to describe it. In that moment by the tears in his eyes (not common for him) I knew he loved me with a love that would last forever.

Needless to say I said "YES." I remember hugging him tighter than I ever had and crying...yes crying....you see if you know me really well you know deep down I'm a hopeless romantic. My family came out from behind another tree where my sis had been taking pictures. "Couldn't have done it without them" Jeremy said.

We took home that tree our pictures were on and to this day have a piece of the trunk. My favorite Christmas tradition had become my favorite life changing memory. And now every year we go back to that same tree farm and chop down our Christmas tree. I got the best gift that Christmas. I got the husband God had chosen specifically for me. The man who had and continues to change my life every single day. I don't remember much of what he said that evening but I remember him promising to love me and he has with an unconditionally love through my struggles with my health, through my flaws, through my good days and bad. He has been there. He shows me how to be strong. How to face things head on. He is always Encouraging me, making me smile when I don't want to, and helping me to see and believe in the real me.

December 11, 2007 It was the perfect evening, at the perfect place, with the perfect man God had for me. The beginning of the rest of my life, with the love of my life.